~Born with Fire in My Soul~

fireinmysoul

I am blessed to have found the courage to face, experience, and process, a vast array of colorful and intense emotions, many of which are very uncomfortable, and create a raw sense of vulnerability within in my soul.

I am blessed to have found an awareness of my own weakness, an understanding of my own faults, and I recognize the painful consequences of my own mistakes.

I am blessed to have found the knowledge of my own strengths, empowered by the rediscovery of my own voice, and I believe in my abilities to inspire and improve the lives of others, through my gifts and by sharing stories, my own and on behalf of those who do not have the freedom, of sharing their own.

And while I am so thankful for this amazing journey, so humbled by the love and acceptance shown by those who have walked with me along the way, tonight I am reminded, that I still have a very, very, very, long way to go.

I was born with a fire in my soul, a red hot ember in my heart, that burn with such intensity, passion, and purpose, it can consumes me, and overwhelms those who dare to dance close enough to the flame.

May I learn how honor my own innate fire, without extinguishing the flame of another.

May those brave souls who dare to dance close enough to the flame, find healing after being burned by the fire, and may I grow and learn and heal from whatever ashes remain.

I am so thankful for the daring dancing of fearless souls…

For the souls brave enough to dare to dance the dance…

are the very souls which shine the light upon my world…

and inspire me to wake up each day…

and dare to dance the dance of my fire once again.

~nj~

~How DARE You Call Yourselves Men of God~

patriarchy

WARNING

If you can’t handle the word FUCK, then stop right here. If you can’t handle the truth of how women are oppressed and violated within the doctrine and Patriarchal organizational hierarchy of the “Christian” church, then STOP right here. This is MY wall, this is MY post, this is MY story, this is MY voice, this is MY experience, this is MY truth! This is not YOUR wall, YOUR post, YOUR story, YOUR voice, YOUR experience, or YOUR truth. ARE WE CLEAR? You may proceed…I dare you.

The following quote was taken from the March 2014 Ensign, the official magazine for adult members of the Mormon Church, written by “Elder” Ted R. Callister, a member of the Presidency of the Seventy, a high ranking group within the top leadership patriarchy of LDS Church, which I was a member of until removing my records for membership at the age of 21.

“The dress of a woman has a powerful impact upon the minds and passions of men. If it is too low or too high or too tight, it may prompt improper thoughts, even in the mind of a young man who is striving to be pure. Men and women can look sharp and be fashionable, yet they can also be modest. Women particularly can dress modestly and in the process contribute to their own self-respect and to the moral purity of men. In the end, most women get the type of man they dress for.”

https://archive.org/stream/20140300EnsignEng/2014-03-00-ensign-eng#page/n45/mode/2up

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? HOW DARE WE AS WOMEN PROMPT IMPROPER THOUGHTS IN MEN STRIVING TO BE PURE IN THE EYES OF GOD! HOW DARE WE AS WOMEN TEMPT THE PASSIONS IN MEN STRIVING TO BE PURE IN THE EYES OF GOD? HOW DARE WE AS WOMEN CORRUPT THE HEARTS AND MINDS OF MEN STRIVING TO BE PURE IN THE EYES OF GOD BY CHOOSING TO CLOTHE OURSELVES IN A MANNER CONSIDERED “TOO HIGH” or “TOO TIGHT” FOR THE EYES OF MEN STRIVING TO BE PURE IN THE EYES OF GOD? HOW DARE WE AS WOMEN FAIL TO HONOR & RESPECT THE PURSUIT OF MORAL PURITY IN SUCH HONORABLE AND GOD ORDAINED MEN?

I mean after all…WE WOMEN are the ones who FORCE these men to stare and fantasize, FORCE these men to sin with passion, FORCE these men to act on desire, FORCE these men to become sexually impure, as a result of our morally depraved sexually degrading ways…right? And men of course have NO power, NO self control, NO accountability, as they stare and fantasize and sin and act and become sexually impure thanks to the morally depraved sexually degrading way in which we as women present ourselves…right? Ohhhhh….that’s right. Silly sinner feminist me! Of course we women are to blame for the sexual impurity of God’s men! Of course the morally depraved sexually degrading ways in which we choose to clothe ourselves are the cause of sexual transgression in God’s men!

OF COURSE WE ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR THE MORALLY DEPRAVED SEXUALLY DEGRADING THOUGHTS, ACTIONS, AND SINS OF GOD’S MEN! THESE ARE GOD’S MEN, HONORABLE MEN, ORDAINED MEN, STRIVING FOR PURITY IN THE EYES OF GOD!

AND DID YOU KNOW LADIES…AND UNDERSTANDING THIS MAY HELP EXPLAIN ALL OF THOSE HORRIBLE MEN YOU SEEM TO BE ATTRACTING…SO LISTEN UP BECAUSE WHAT I AM ABOUT TO SAY MAY CHANGE YOUR LIFE!

DO YOU WANT TO FIND THE KIND OF MAN THAT YOU HAVE ALWAYS DREAMED OF?

YOU KNOW…THE KIND OF MAN WHO RESPECTS YOU AND HONORS YOU AND LOVES YOU FOR THE AMAZING WOMAN THAT GOD MEANT FOR YOU TO  BE?

WELL…I AM SORRY TO BE THE ONE TO SHARE THE BAD NEWS WITH YOU…

BUT UNFORTUNATELY YOUR GONNA END UP WITH…

THE KIND OF MAN YOU DRESS FOR.

NOT THE KIND OF MAN WHO RESPECTS YOU…

NOT THE KIND OF MAN WHO HONORS YOU…

NOT THE KIND OF MAN AND LOVES YOU…

NOT THE KIND OF MAN WORTHY OF YOU…

NOT THE THE KIND OF MAN DESERVING OF YOU…

NOPE. NOT GONNA HAPPEN LADIES…SORRY.

SO WHAT KIND OF MAN ARE YOU GONNA GET INSTEAD?

WELL REMEMBER…THAT WEARING SOMETHING THAT IS CONSIDERED TO BE “TOO TIGHT” OR “TOO HIGH” IN THE EYES OF GOD, WHICH JUST HAPPEN TO ALSO BE THE EYES OF GOD’S MEN…

BASICALLY MEANS THAT YOU ARE ONLY…

WORTHY ENOUGH…

DESERVING ENOUGH…

GOOD ENOUGH…

AMAZING ENOUGH..

FOR THE KIND OF MAN WHO SEES YOU FOR THE MORALLY DEPRAVED SEXUALLY DEGRADING IMMODESTLY DRESSED WHORE THAT YOU ARE!

How DARE the you instill this in the minds of women…

How DARE you instill this in the minds of men…

How DARE you claim this the word of God.

How DARE you.

~nj~

~Adjust Your Sails~

adjustyoursails

You cannot control circumstances, or control the manner in which others behave or feel towards you. You can do your very best, to make circumstances favorable in your view, behave and feel towards others in the same way or not the same way, you would hope or expect others to behave or feel  towards you. In the end however, no matter how hard you try to create favorable circumstances in your life, no matter how you behave or feel towards others, the only person you have control over, the only behaviors and feeling that you can control, are your own. Living in the moment, being mindful and present in your life, facing what life throws at you, despite the uncertainty of the terms, makes you prepared for whatever and whoever comes your way. It allows you to always have options, to let go of the “could have, should have, would have” thinking, that keeps you holding on to the past, and prevents you from seeing life or circumstances or people, as they are now. It’s “going with the flow,” and doing your best to “ride the wave,” and having faith in yourself, that with your intentions clear, your heart pure, and your focus in the right direction, no matter what “plot twists” may come your way, it is what it is, and you find the courage to adjust your sails, and let go of trying to sailing against the storm.

 ~nj~

~In My Little World~

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“It’s like you are in your own little world.”

Always in your head…

Why can’t you just slow your brain down?

What are you doing up at 3:30am?

You’re not “NORMAL.”

Why don’t you go out and actually make some new friends?

SAID EVERYONE IN THE WORLD TO ME.

Why am I in my own little world?

Why am I always in my head?

Why can’t I just sloooow my brain down?

Why am I up at 3:30am?

Why am I not “NORMAL?”

Why don’t I just go out and make some new friends?

WHY YOU ASK?

WHY?

I like my being in my own little world.

Everyone knows me here.

Why would I want to be in yours?

~nj~

~Outside of The Box~

“In order for one to “Think outside the box” wouldn’t it be helpful to know exactly what that box is, and what’s in it?” ~Derek Speed via Google+
outsidethebox
“Outside of the Box” is a phrase that has followed me throughout my entire life in many ways, and I now see this same phrase, following the life, of my brilliantly beautiful 3 yr old son. Others often label me, my thoughts, my ideas, my philosophies, my actions, my emotional responses, my “outside of the box,” in an attempt to make sense as to why I think, why I act, and why I believe, differently than they do, or in ways other than what they are familiar or comfortable with. Many people, as a result of their own fears and insecurities, have a very strict human nature/behavior category based organizational system set up for themselves, which serves as the foundation for their own understandings and judgments people. It is the set of rules by which they define those worthy of their love, or hate, or any other attachment/avoidance based relationship the encounter in their lives. Many people create labels, develop definitions, and then choose which of the self serving “boxes” a person “fits” in. This creates a sense of maintaining some kind of control, a sense of reassuring emotional safety, a guideline to follow of established rules of engagement, which defines the ways they engage with others in all aspects of their lives. When this system is challenged by “out of the box” people like myself and my son, when there is no set label or definition they have to explain what about us doesn’t “make sense” or isn’t “acceptable” to them, we are placed “outside” of their “boxes,” and we never really know the name or contents of boxes they attempted and failed, to place us in. Our “outside of the box” standing remains in place, separates us from them, as long as who we are and what we have to offer, isn’t perceived as useful, beneficial, or familiar enough to them. And yet…the moment our thoughts, actions, and/or beliefs may provide something they want, something that will help them, something they see as useful, something they are willing to possibly accept, our being “outside of the box” becomes celebrated or praised by them. I have seen this over and over and over again in both my professional and personal relationships, and its a pattern most people are never aware of and therefore never change.
“Some people will only love you, as long as you fit in their box. Don’t be afraid to disappoint.”
I am not afraid.
~nj~

~Ignorance & Refulgece~

condemnationwithoutinvestigation

~refulgent~

Line breaks: re|ful|gent

Pronunciation: /rɪˈfʌldʒ(ə)nt

/ADJECTIVE • shining very brightly:

In theology, divine light (also called divine radiance or divine refulgence) is an aspect of divine presence, specifically an unknown and mysterious ability of God, angels, or human beings to express themselves communicatively through spiritual means, rather than through physical capacities

Light and darkness and Light of the World

The term light has been used in spirituality (vision, enlightenment, darshan, Tabor Light). Bible commentators such as Ritenbaugh see the presence of light as a metaphor of truth, good and evil, knowledge and ignorance.[1] In the first Chapter of the Bible, Elohim is described as creating light by fiat and seeing the light to be good. In Hinduism, Diwali — the festival of lights — is a celebration of the victory of light over darkness.[2] A mantra in Bṛhadāraṇyaka Upaniṣad(1.3.28) urges God to ‘from darkness, lead us unto Light’.

~ignorance~

Syllabification: ig·no·rance

Pronunciation: /ˈignərəns

 Ignorance is a state of being uninformed (lack of knowledge).[1] The word ignorant is an adjective describing a person in the state of being unaware and is often used as an insult to describe individuals who deliberately ignore or disregard important information or facts. Ignoramus is commonly used in the US, the UK, and Ireland as a term for someone who is willfully ignorant.

Ignorance is distinguished from stupidity, although both can lead to “unwise” acts.

Writer Thomas Pynchon articulated about the scope and structure of one’s ignorance: “Ignorance is not just a blank space on a person’s mental map. It has contours and coherence, and for all I know rules of operation as well. So as a corollary to [the advice of] writing about what we know, maybe we should add getting familiar with our ignorance, and the possibilities therein for writing a good story.”

~APATHY~

APATHY
~APATHY~
Darkness feeds on Apathy…
Light starves Apathy to death.

AP·A·THYˈapəTHē/noun
noun: apathy
1.lack of interest, enthusiasm, or concern.

Synonyms: indifference, lack of interest, lack of enthusiasm, lack of concern, unconcern, uninterestedness, unresponsiveness, impassivity,dispassion.

“Apathy is one of the characteristic responses of any living organism when it is subjected to stimuli too intense or too complicated to cope with. The cure for apathy is comprehension.” ~US novelist John Dos Passos~
An apathetic individual has an absence of interest in or concern about emotional, social, spiritual, philosophical and/or physical life and the world.

Apathy (also called lethargy or perfunctoriness) is most commonly defined as a lack of feeling, emotion, interest, or concern. It is a state of indifference, or the suppression of emotions such as concern, excitement, motivation and/or passion. The apathetic may lack a sense of purpose or meaning in their life. An apathetic person may also exhibit insensibility or sluggishness. In positive psychology, apathy is described as a result of the individual feeling they do not possess the level of skill required to confront a challenge (i.e. “Flow”). It may also be a result of perceiving no challenge at all (e.g. the challenge is irrelevant to them, or conversely, they have learned helplessness). Apathy may be a sign of more specific mental problems such as schizophrenia or dementia. However, apathy is something that all people face in some capacity. It is a natural response to disappointment, dejection, and stress. As a response, apathy is a way to forget about these negative feelings. This type of common apathy is usually only felt in the short-term and when it becomes a long-term or even lifelong state is when deeper social and psychological issues are most likely present.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Apathy

~Call it Coincidence…I Call it Serendipity~

serendipity1

~Coincidence~

[Words from the past]

 So, let me introduce myself.

I’m Aphrodite.

 Do I know you?

Have we ever met before?

 Who can tell?

People change.

 I am sure I know your face.

The tone of your voice is familiar.

 I could say the same.

It is strange.

 Indeed. Do you live close?

Maybe I have seen you around.

 I live in another city.

I came here for a few days.

 Me too.

I am leaving tomorrow.

 I enjoyed our talk.

Even though I still don’t know your name.

 True.

Now you have a reason to meet me again.

 How do you know this will happen?

You seem so sure.

 I see it in your eyes.

You asked for it.

 Someone would say you can read my mind.

If it is so, why do you leave?

 It is not the right time.

Neither for you, nor for me.

 I have to go.

Nice to meet you.

 Take care of yourself.

Till next time.

 Bye…

See you soon.

~Coincidence~

 [Words from the future]

 Do I know you?

 Have we ever met before?

 If not now, when?

 When the right time starts?

 Yesterday, now, tomorrow?

 How long does it last?

 You just know there is a reason.

You exist all over him.

He lives within you.

You both carry your story.

The one that ended there.

The one that lasted years.

Or just minutes.

The one that took a second to find.

Or a life to realize.

The one that will come one day.

When the coincidence decides.

When it is the right time.

AFRODITE JANUS at 12:13 AM

Thursday, January 30, 2014

 http://sensoryanalysis.blogspot.com/2014/01/coincidence.html

~Empath & Emotionally Dissociated Hero~

embrace

The Emotionally Dissociated Hero

As intuitives we’ve all come across people who seem completely dissociated from their emotional bodies.  To us, they feel jarring because on the outside they appear normal, happy, and even like they have it all, but on the inside, they look hollow and empty.   Underneath the emptiness they can be filled with unresolved grief, fear, anger and deep unworthiness.

Sometimes intuitives can be pulled toward these people out of curiosity to see what’s causing the contradiction.  Our clear seeing will either frighten the dissociated person away because we aren’t buying their image, or attract the dissociated person right to us because it’s a relief to drop the persona.  Because intuitives operate from their hearts, and emotionally dissociated people are separated from their hearts, to us the emotionally dissociated person’s efforts at relationship can seem insincere and shallow even though everyone else is responding well to the dissociated person, and even though the emotionally dissociated person is doing or saying all the right things.

If we’re in relationships with emotionally dissociated people it’s important to understand the affect they can have on our own energy system.  While intuitives will feel the affects the most, others who don’t consider themselves empathic will on some level, too.  On top of this, many beginning intuitives and spiritual seekers are also somewhat out of touch with their emotional body, mostly because we are in a culture that ignores our emotional responses, especially the negative ones.  Our society is competitive and goal driven, which can lead to many great strides in knowledge and technology, but it also tends to reinforce achievement oriented behavior.  Being achievement oriented can lead to being disconnected from our hearts and emotional bodies if we look outside ourselves to see if our achievements please others.  (See the essay, Giving Up Outside Approval—Achievement Oriented.)

The person who is dissociated or disconnected from his emotions literally needs someone to process emotional energy for him in order to function in everyday life.  The emotionally dissociated person tends to attract to him a few others who are extremely empathic and giving.  (See The Giving Persona)   The emotionally dissociated person and the empath make an unconscious energetic contract that can be extremely hard to break.  The empath processes the emotionally dissociated person’s unwanted emotional energy for him, usually in exchange for being loved and appreciated, or for being taken care of.   (This is usually unconscious, but sometimes unhealthy empaths make this choice consciously.)  Because our emotions act as our feedback system, signaling us when we are under stress or in danger, the emotionally disconnected person is able to engage in situations that would overwhelm most people.  Emotionally disconnected people need more and more stimulation to feel alive, and so tend to lead stressful daily lives.  Becoming workaholics or being in constant doing mode is very common.  Because their high energy impresses others, the producing and achieving continues.

For the empath in relationship with the emotionally dissociated person, (and most empaths are intuitives with unhealthy boundaries) she is processing her own emotions plus someone else’s who’s tolerance level for drama and stress is much higher than her own.  When the empath calls the dissociated person on his behavior or lifestyle, the dissociated person will truthfully claim his life isn’t dramatic or stressful because he’s successfully shifted the energy onto the empath.  Because the energy is not hers, it is difficult to process.  Ironically, as she takes on more and more of the dissociated person’s emotional energy, the dissociated person will like her less and less, blaming the empath for her sensitivity, which he needs.   However, since the empath is liked and loved by others, the emotionally dissociated person knows subconsciously that the empath is carrying him in their
presentation to the outside world as a couple.  The emotionally dissociated person will hang on to the relationship until all closeness and respect for the empath has vanished, or until it becomes apparent that the support of the empath can no longer help him on his achievement-oriented life goals.

What is ironic is that these people are naturally intuitive, but they are using their intuition to monitor others’ responses to them to make sure they are making a good impression.  If they aren’t getting the response they want, they will literally do anything to change that, sometimes resorting to outright deceitfulness.  If they cannot change others’ minds about them, they will shift into denial that the situation exists at all.  For the intuitive, who has had to work hard at building a strong inner core based on integrity, the dissociated person appears to have no ethics and no inner core at all.  In fact, the dissociated person has substituted outside approval for his inaccessible inner core.  Also, if the beginning intuitive hints that the emotionally dissociated person is lacking his inner core, the dissociated person’s feelings will likely turn to disrespect and even hatred.  This is because emotionally dissociated people can not stand to be considered bad or lacking in any way.  It brings them too close to their hidden fears of unworthiness.

It is very common for the relationships of the emotionally disconnected person to be extensions of him and so also models of success, too. For the empath in relationship with the dissociated person, she is seen not for who she is, but for what role she plays.   The most common adjustment I have seen beginning intuitives make is changing their relationships to honor their emotional health.  They usually have a few relationships with dissociated people to rebalance.  As they strengthen their boundaries, they will hear the most objections from the most dissociated people in their lives.  For the dissociated person, they no longer have a recipient for their unwanted energy, but if they actually look at their emotions, they will be overwhelmed by them.  The beginning intuitive’s new boundaries can be seen as unnecessary and unreasonable at best or as abandonment and betrayal at worst.

When the intuitive confronts the dissociated person, the dissociated person is literally unable to respond in a way that the intuitive needs.  Usually the dissociated person will reject the intuitive’s point of view as ridiculous and completely out of reality.  What’s really happening is that the dissociated person is out of reality in a very profound way.  By being disconnected from their inner selves, they cannot properly interpret the emotional signals from others.  And because they’ve chosen a persona that most of their outside world applauds, they can discount the feedback of the closest people to them when they don’t like what their spouses and close friends have to say.  So, both the internal world and the external world offer no genuine feedback for the emotionally disconnected person.

Even if they are not conscious of their emotions, theemotionally dissociated person is still experiencing anger and disappointment, but it’s slowly accumulating to a critical mass.  Eventually their souls will lead them into dramatic or even risky behavior in an attempt to wake them up.  This moment of personal crisis, (sometimes mid-life crisis) while messy and painful for everyone around them, can lead to major transformative healing.  Emotionally dissociated people, when forced into their inner selves by losing the career, relationships, and image with which they identify, confront the deep unworthiness and self hatred that led them into taking on a persona in the first place.  This is actually the best thing that can happen to them.  They begin to see outside themselves clearly and understand the effect their actions have on the others around them.  They feel true remorse and regret and realize they are not their persona.  Finally, they are in touch with their hearts and do not take others for granted.  They are still highly motivated individuals, but now the achievement oriented behavior is for self improvement and joy.

For the beginning intuitive dealing with her own emotional dissociation, it is essential to come back into deep relationship with the heart.  For the beginning intuitive in relationship with dissociated people, it’s essential to strengthen boundaries so emotional energy is not being passed to her.  Move out of the way as gently as possible and let the emotionally dissociated person awaken on his own.  (See the essay, Forgiveness: Setting Boundaries for how one of my client’s dealt with an emotionally dissociated relative.)  Do not try and explain what is “wrong” with the dissociated person; the only way for them to be able to know it is to experience it on their own.  Usually that takes a crisis of a magnitude that intuitives would normally avoid.  It is essential for beginning intuitives to take care of their emotional and psychic health and put enough distance between themselves and these old relationships.