~A Mother to Her Son~


November 7th 2014

I am trying to fall asleep…
and when my mind gets quiet…
nights can be terrifying.
I disconnected the bond between myself and my son…by choice….
with us…it is all or it is nothing.
Has to be that way.
And as the day of our reunion looms near..
I feel my disconnection fading…
and it is terrifying to me.
I never wanted to be a mother.
I never, ever wanted to be a mother on my own.
I questioned my worthiness when I became pregnant.
I questioned my right to bring a child into this world.
Why me,
Why now
Why like this
I did not know then…
And I do not know now.
Perhaps these are things I will never know…
One thing I do know.
My son saved my life.
Saved me from myself….
Without him blessing my life when did…
I would not be writing this to you today.
Without him…
Adventures would still feel too risky.
Love would still feel unknown.
My crazy beautiful colorful world…
would simply not exist.
I am blessed.
All I wanted for my son is what he deserved.
All I want for my son is what he deserves…
And one amazing parent…
Who is fucked up..
is always better than..
will always be better than…
one morally incompetent parent…
Who won’t stop fucking up.
I am now raising my son alone.
I am it.
I am now facing my life alone.
I am it.
I am now walking my path alone.
I am it.
We are it…He and I.
Me and him…Mother and Son
It is our time. It is our life. It is our triumph.
May we love without hate.
May we live without fears.
May we learn without cause.
May we laugh without tears.
May we always know where we are now.
May we always remember where we were then.
May we always look forward to where we will go next…
And may we always find…
Moments of joy…
Moments of hope…
Moments of peace..
Moments of awe…
Moments of thanks.
Thanks for each other…
Thanks for ourselves.
I hope to be amazing.
I really do.
I hope to be awesome.
I hope to be brave.
I hope to be lovely.
I really do.
Because my son…
I hope to be all of this and more…
For you.


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