~The Rules of Goodbye~

Sun Dec. 29th 3am

For this to happen, we must both abide by these rules. Trust me…it can’t be done any other way. I pray the website is done. You may want to pray too.We cannot email each other. We cannot call each other.We cannot text each other.We cannot message each other.Unless…either one of us is willing to take whatever is one the other end. Do not check up on me. Do not ask how I am. Do not ask how my day was. Do not send me quotes. I will do the same for you.I am leaving open the option of letters. I am not planning on writing any at the moment, but may. They are usually more well thought out.Do not write me a goodbye.Do not write me to reminisce.Do not write me to announce a lover.Do not write me to lessen my pain.Do not write me to say whay I taught you. Do not thank me.Do not write anything at all unless you are willing to take what’s on the other end.I will do the same for you.Do not define me as your friend.Do not define any relationship.Do not define me at all.I will do the same for you.Do not come because you need me.Do not return because you are lonely.Do not walk back into my life…Unless you are willing to take whatever is on the other end.Unless you really, really, really, need me, and understand the cost of what needing me means.I will do the same for you.Do not ask for my gift.Do not ask for my mind.Do not ask for me to release you.Do not ask for my forgiveness.Do not ask me to accept who I am to you.Do not ask me to accept who I am not to you.Do not ask me to accept anything at all.I will do the same for you.Do not warn me.Do not preach to me.Do not condemn me.Do not praise me.Do not hate me.Do not judge me.Do not blame me.I will do the same for you.Do not seek ways to gain power over me.Do not seek to discredit me.Do not seek comfort from me.Do not seek friendship from me.Do not seek your connection to me.Do not seek to hurt me.Do not seek to protect me.I will do the same for you.Do not lie to me.Do not hide from me.Do not disrespect me.Do not feel sorry for me.Do not feel proud of me.I will do the same for you.Do not use me.Do not think for me.Do not speak for me.Do not feel for me.Do not act for me.Do not choose for me.Do not fight for me.I will do the same for you.Learn to live without me.Learn to be without me.Learn to think without me.Learn to choose without me.Learn to give without me.Learn to understand without me.Learn to love yourself without me.I will do the same for you.If life without me becomes more of a burden than life with me…If love without me becomes more of a burden than love with me…If pain without me becomes more of a burden than pain with me…If joy without me becomes more of a burden than joy with me…If your journey without me becomes more of a burden than your journey with me…Be brave and show me.I will do the same for you.I have never lost like this before.I have never let go like this before. I have never trusted like this before.I have never given like this before. I have never taken like this before.I have never loved like this before.I have never longed like this before.I have never believed like this before.I have never hurt like this before.I have never known What I now knowI have never seenAs I now seeI have never feltHow I now feelAnd I am afraid.You are worthy of my fear.Be brave and show me.I have no idea what I am doing here. I do not know what this will feel like to me. I do not know what this will be…or when it will be what it is to be, or if it is to be. I do not know what it is, what it was, or what it could be. I do not know a timeline. I do not know a way. I do not know a how. I do not know anything at all.Other than I want you to become who you want to be.Make this freedom a gift.Learn from it.Grow from it.Become who you are from it.With me..Or without me..Be free.I want for you what you want for yourself.I thank you for this gift of connection.In many ways it has healed me.You have given me far more than you will ever know.You are the most amazing man I have ever known.May you come to believe that of yourself someday.Who knows when and where our adventure will end. I can think of no one I would rather have adventures with than you.Always remember…I see who you are…and you are beautiful to me.It is so hard to have to let that go. Fuck!I hope its not forever.Life isn’t the same without you.I am blessed you shared your life with mine.I love you.Be free.Be happy ns. Do good things. Be a warrior. If I can help you, if you need me, be mindful of what you are asking. For if you ask, I will trust that you understand what asking me means. I would do anything for you.I will ask of you in the same way.I don’t want this email to be over…I will try my best.Get my life back. You do the same.Be brave.~nj~
Sun Dec. 29th 120pm
I still need to process this.  The two things I know.  Are that no matter how dark your path gets.  I have seen you for who you are.  And you are the only one who bears the power of self destruction.  Live … live for your son.  Live for those who need you … who will need you.  Live for the day when the times of struggle will make the pleasures deeper.The rock I gave you was not a gift from me.  It represents what I felt had been given to me by the creation.  Indirectly the creator.  Never think of it as a gift from me.  But a gift from the mountains.   The creation.My emotions are not normal.  But know that if I can ever do more harm than good.  If you ever feel that.  I am here.

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~Unconditional Love~

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 5:12am PDT

You need to know something…
I do not want to fix you…
or save you….
or change you.
I am not here because I think you need me.
If you chose to walk away at this moment…
I would know in my heart that you are OK…
that you would be OK..
and that I would be OK too…
and you need to understand that.
I can never be an obligation.
You cannot be a part of my life because…
you are afraid of how it may hurt me…
If you were to walk away.
You must stay because you want to…
You choose to….
The same reason you should have to walk away.
I have no idea what this is or what it may become…
that doesn’t matter to me.
It is what it is….
and I am blessed to have it that way.
I dare you…
to love me…
to hate me…
to understand me…
to learn from me…
to touch me…
to leave me…
to hurt me…
and see what happens….
or don’t.
But understand that I CHOOSE…
when to give you the power to hurt me….
and with this choice…
comes the understanding that you will…
and that’s OK.
I just want you to be you.
I am safe…
And unsafe…
in ways that others are not.
And no matter what happens…
I will always be a safe place…
Of unconditional love and admiration…
For You.

~nj~

~Goodbye~

December 29, 2013

If it wasn’t for you…I would never believe a 50 year old witch wanted to jump my bones,
Or that a gay asshole envied me.
And I would have a much shallower belief about undercurrents of human decision making…
And who knows…I might have a felony on my record.
So thank you for the non-tangible gifts you have given me that are much more valuable than anything that is measured by currency.
You have truly added to my depth.
And helped explain…
Probably the single most annoying thing I beat my head against.
I just opened the box you sent!!!
I looove all the printed quotes…by far my favorite part of it all.
It was insanely thoughtful…I have NO idea how much time you spent putting it all together.
But it was by far one of the most thoughtful gifts…
Probably the most thoughtful gift I’ve ever received.
I’m interested in the stories behind some of it…Most I get.
And I had to set the packing aside to make sure I missed nothing.
Honestly, the most valuable thing you have given me Natalie…
And this may seem trivial to you.
Even when it is hard for me to accept…
Is that people act often not out of what they know.
Or what they want to do.
But who they are.
Which is a culmination of many things not even on a conscious level.
It makes so much more sense out of a life where I am constantly annoyed and frustrated with others.
But at the same time.
Now I see it in myself.
This knowledge is power to do good.
Avoid costly mistakes.
It is a much greater gift…
Than you will ever know.

~Relapse Prevention~

Oct 9th 9:19 PM Seattle Time

LISTEN TO ME
WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?
WHY THE HELL DO YOU HAVE STILL HAVE PHOTOS OF HER FOR ALL THE WORLD TO SEE?
HAS SHE NOT ALREADY COMPLETELY INVADED AND VIOLATED YOUR LIFE ENOUGH?
OH WAIT.
SHE HASN’T.
SO KEEPING HER PHOTOS,
ESPECIALLY THE ONE THAT HAS ALWAYS BEEN YOUR FAVE.
YOU ARE ON SOME FUCKED UP MARTYR QUEST OF YOURS
MAKING HER THE SHINING EXAMPLE OF WHAT YOUR RELATIONSHIP OF A LIFETIME WILL BE.
AND THE WORLD SEES YOU PRAISING A WOMAN WITH VIRTUE?
AND THIS WOMAN DOES NOT GIVE A FLYING FUCK!
DO YOU NOT HAVE ANY SELF RESPECT FOR YOURSELF?
DO YOU THINK THAT IS THE BEST YOU CAN DO?
AND ARE YOU SERIOUSLY SOMEHOW TRYING TO TELL ME HER PHOTOS ARE JUST A PART OF HOW YOU’RE MOVING ON?
YOU ARE SHOWING THE WORLD YOU DESERVE TO BE TREATED LIKE A WORTHLESS PIECE OF SHIT!
AND CELEBRATING IT!
AND FROM MY PERSPECTIVE…
I LOOK AT THAT AND AM LIKE…
WHAT THE FUCK????
DO YOU NOT SEE YOU DESERVE SO MUCH MORE THAN THIS?
THAT YOU ARE AMAZING
AND LOVELY
AND DAMAGED
BY HER.
AND YOU ALLOW IT TO CONTINUE
YOU REFUSE TO LET GO
AND WHAT PISSES ME OF THE MOST
IS THAT I FEEL YOU ARE HOLDING ON TO WHAT YOU SEE AS THE BEST TWO YEARS OF YOUR LIFE.
YOUR BEST TWO YEARS WERE SHIT…
COMPARED TO HOW AMAZING THE NEXT TWO COULD BE
AND THE NEXT TWO AFTER THAT.
OHH..BUT WAIT

DO I NEED TO CALL HER AND ASK HER TO CALL YOU
AND GIVE YOU PERMISSION TO LET GO AND MOVE ON?
IS SHE THE ONE WHO GETS TO DECIDE HOW LONG YOU REMAIN BITTER, UNLOVABLE, AND ALONE?
AND IS SHE THE ONE WHO GETS TO PLAY THE LEADING ROLE IN YOUR LOVE STORY?
REALLY?
FUCK HER!
FUCK YOU!
SHE DOES NOT GIVE A FUCK!
AND SHE USED YOU.
AND SHE HURT YOU
AND SHE BETRAYED YOU
AND SHE DESTROYED HOPE IN YOU
AND YOU ALLOW THIS TO CONTINUE!
AND THIS IS WHAT LOVE IS TO YOU?
THIS IS WHAT YOU’RE HOLDING ON TO?
THIS IS WHO GETS TO TAKE UP THE BEST  YEARS OF YOUR LIFE?
THIS IS WHAT YOU ALLOW TO CONTINUE?
I SEE AN AMAZING MAN
I SEE A MAN WHO HAS SO MUCH LOVE TO GIVE.
TO THE WORLD.
AND TO THE MISFITS
AND TO THE WEAK
AND TO A WOMAN
WHO WILL LOVE HIM BACK
AND I AM NOT SAYING THAT IS ME
SO HOLD ON AND CHILL THE FUCK OUT
YOU HAVE CHANGED ME
YOU HAVE GIVEN ME MORE THAN ANY MAN.MORE THAN MOST HUMAN BEINGS IN GENERAL…HAVE GIVEN ME IN A LIFETIME
YOU FASCINATE ME
YOU ARE SMART
AND I LOVE HOW YOU THINK
AND HOW DIFFERENT YOU ARE
THAN ME.

AND WHAT I NEED YOU TO KNOW…
IF THERE IS ONE THING I CAN GET INTO YOUR LOGICAL
BLACK AND WHITE CAUSE AND EFFECT HEAD
IT IS THIS

You are worthy of more.
Of so much more
And I know you have a whole lot of shit
that your heart still needs to work out
And I know that you are not ready to open yourself up that way

and you are afraid
because you feel so guilty and conflicted
about letting her go
and leaving the best two years behind
and you were really hoping that she would give you the “ok move on I got a new one” Excuse for you to do so. Sorry…she won’t.
   and I am telling you this because it’s true
   when you decide to move on from her,
   from the pain
from the betrayal

and allow someone worthy of you to fill this space instead

only this time
the woman you give
your heart
your soul
your loyalty
your life
your body
your mind
will give you all of that back.

And say “I will fight to the death because I love you that much”

And mean every word of it
and when you introduce thay woman to your world
you should be and will be proud

love is about respect
love is about making the other person want to be better for themselves
not pretending to just to string your heart along

and I believe that you can have this
your connection with me and your willingness
to take some pretty crazy risks and not run away…
which you fight…

how you are open to allowing me to wade in your grey
with some pretty fucking bold ass colors
shows me
that you can have so much more than what that photo of her
represents

and whoever you love
and whoever you kiss
and whoever you touch
whoever you choose to finally
be worthy enough to give love just one more chance

how incredibly blessed she will be.
and you deserve that
and so will she.

and I wanted you to know that
because I see colors
and I see sparkly white
in all that black and white and grey
and I hope you get to see what I see someday

~Do Not Pray for Me & I Will Not Think For You~

~Do Not Pray for Me & I Will Not Think For You~

Tue, Oct 8, 2013 at 7:43 PM
Of you.  And praying.

Wed, Oct 9, 2013 at 2:46 AM
T~Do Not Pray for Me & I Will Not Think For You~hinking of me? What are you thinking?
Praying?
Like a Shout Out to the Universe kind of thing?

Thu, Oct 10, 2013 at 5:00 AM
Do you really pray? Like “you are on your knees pray?” Or is it “your head and heart pray?”

You are quite honestly…one of the most fascinating human beings that I have ever known.

I am blessed beyond words to know you.

You understand me like no one else in this whole wide world does.

And I love the way you think…about everything,….even though we differently.

And I want to know what your opinion is on everything.

You give me hope.

You allow me to find strength within myself.

You know my story.

The only one who knows my story…in the way it needs to be told.

And I am so afraid.

And so fucked up.

And the uncertainty of what lies ahead of me, overwhelms me.

I become…hopeless.

Somehow you make it better.

You make my day something to look forward to.

You make me smile.

You make me laugh.

You give me more than you will ever, ever know.

I am blessed.

I am thankful.

I am speechless

You inspire me in ways that leave me without words

Which never happens to me….but it happens with you all the time.

The thought of being near you, of seeing you, of touching you, of being close to you…

Speechless.

May we have the most amazing adventure.

May we embrace this magic and make it our own.

May we come to find comfort.

May we come to find peace.

May be come to find healing.

Through this bond…

Whatever it is…

May we be blessed.

I adore you.

Thu, Oct 10, 2013 at 7:01 AM
See?  It’s like you write poems and I have no idea how to respond.

Thu, October 10, 2013 at 7:38 AM
My prayer life has always been pretty much non existent.

Have you ever been around people who do pray a lot – and it’s like “Over in Africa some nine year old is being forced to kill his mother.  And you think God gives a shit about your poison ivy?  Don’t you think if he was into answering all these little prayers he’d do something about what’s going on over there before giving a shit about your itching toe?” Where some people miss the point is that if there is a God.  And he fits into this world.  Then this world of deep contrasts, deep pain, deep suffering and anguish fits into God. If God is all powerful, all knowing, all seeing and has a perfect plan for the world.  Isn’t he more qualified to decide what I need than I am?  How does prayer fit into a all knowing, all seeing, all powerful God?  It doesn’t make sense….

Thu, Oct 10, 2013 at 11:50 AM
We shall have to have a chat on prayer…perhaps ns needs some colors…in this way…lol

Thu, Oct 10, 2013 at 2:36 PM
There’s more to it than that.  There are times I do pray – like I said.  I probably have more reason to believe than almost anybody when it comes to that. But I think 98.5% of the time.  When people pray it’s stupid.  They think of God as a vending machine.  It’s the cardboard box God.  Not the God who created the world we see.

~Our Last Dance~

December 29, 2013 12:42 AM

Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man’s character, give him power. Take a closer look. May you find what it is you are searching for, or may you come to realize it was there all along. You just needed to be ready to take closer look.

May you someday see your reflection in me, as I see. Its not about color, or grey scale, or the rock and the butterfly, or defined as anything really…

Its about goodness and ugliness, pain and love, success and failure, power and adversity, weak and strong, happiness and sorrow, laughter and heartache.

Its not about my world vs yours, and whose is most worth living in and whose is not. Its not about who is right and who is wrong, or being too “different” to ever be the “same.”

Its about who WE are. Who WE want to be. Who WE choose to travel with on the journey, and who we do not.

Part of me is holding on to you at any cost, because I can not bare the thought of letting you go. But the other part, the part who loves your soul, your evil and your goodness, your darkness and your light, your failures and your successes, your heart, your mind, your body…loves you…loves all of you…does so, knowing that for now, to love you is to let you go. With trust that the time will come when your life and my life, can find a beautiful balance.

Where colors and grey scale can co-exist in the same space, and complement each other, because color needs grey and grey needs color, or life passes by marked by mediocrity and routine, and we are among those who must always seek adventure.

You will not promise me to come back. I will not promise to be there if you do. But if and when we meet again, I will have then what I cannot offer you now, and you have then, what you cannot at this moment offer me.

What will that look like? How will it be defined? I cannot say.

My disconnection from you will affect you and me both, in ways neither one of us will expect. Not being connected to you, will be one of the most painful experiences of my life. But it will give you freedom. It will give you clarity. It will give you many things. It will give me many of the same. My life needs to change for you to remain in it. Your life needs to change to include me.

What will that look like? How will it be defined? I cannot say.

All I can hope for, all I can believe in, is that someday I will have the chance to know.

I have never disconnected from anyone like this, because I have never had this kind of connection…

so keep that in mind…

…as I try.

I Adore You.

Be free.

~nj~

~Thank You~

For your
strength
For you
courage
For your
dignity and grace
I am thankful.

For your
simplicity
For your
humility
For your
compassion and your faith
I am thankful.

For your
struggles
For your
torments
For your
tears and heart that aches
I am thankful.

For your
bravery
For your
kindness
For your
wonder and your truth
I am thankful.

For your
light
For your
darkness
For your
joy and for your pain
I am thankful.

For your honesty
For your goodness
For your mind
For your heart
For your soul
I am thankful

For your trials
For your failures
For your triumphs
I am thankful

For your wisdom
For your knowledge
For your greatness
For your meekness
I am thankful

For your thoughts
For your words
For your intentions
For your passion
I am thankful.

For your history
For your moments
For today and for tomorrow
I am thankful

For your
friendship
For your
gentleness
For your anger and your hate
I am thankful

For your
simplicity
For your
purity
For your
belief in me
I am thankful

For everything you are to me
For everything you have given to me
For everything you mean to me
I am thankful.

For all of you
For good
For bad
For right
For wrong
For now
For then
Forever…
For you…
I am thankful.

I will give thanks today for those who have blessed my life. I am so thankful for you ns. And while I know you find my thanks suspicious, or uncomfortable, or meaning something other than what it is, nothing changes. It is what it is. I do not seek anything in return. I do not. Your presence in my life, and in the lives of so many others, is reason to give thanks. You have taught me so many things about what it means to be a beautiful human being. You remind me of what is important in my life. You inspire me with how you choose to live yours. To God, to the Universe, to whoever or whatever allowed my path to collide with yours, I am so very thankful. You have given me more, inspired me more, challenged me more, comforted me more, than you will ever know.

Love,
Me

~BE THE HERO IN YOUR OWN STORY~

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 3:10pm PDT
argggg – please don’t leave.
I don’t think you understand. You HAVE helped release me. It isn’t because of why you think. I will not let her or him be part of my definition. I decided that. I didn’t know how to let go of her emotionally
It was something beyond my control. You helped me with that the first night … or second or some point.
I seriously did not. I DID decide in all of this – that if I ever have a woman. I want one who can have my back.
She did not. I don’t know what your opinions are of her.
I have something to say.
You said you stayed with your James for a year…while you built his case. That was fucking bad ass.
You have NO IDEA how much respect that earns from me.

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 3:21pm PDT
And he did horrific things to me

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 3:21pm PDT
I do not know what went on in your relationship. I will not ask. I can feel it coming off of you.
I can feel it radiating.
And you knew … you KNEW exactly what you were doing. You knew what you had to go thru to protect the innocent that you loved.
And that was it – you had to suffer.
You had to give pieces of yourself
away. Pieces that you probably wonder if they’ll come back … or have wondered that.

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 3:23pm PDT
I almost had nothing left

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 3:23pm PDT
If my burdens were the size of pebbles
Yours would be boulders.
I don’t understand … I don’t.
I can relate some.
A little.
But I can’t fathom it…
only to say I see you.
I think I do.
Sometimes it helps just to be seen.

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 3:26pm PDT
And I said nothing in detail to anyone.
No one even knew the horrors of the last year with him.
Then I called who mattered the day he left and told them.

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 3:26pm PDT
Which was?

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 3:27pm PDT
James is gone.

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 4:20pm PDT
But I want you to know…
I’m here to listen if you ever want to talk.
And even if you felt like it was destroying your self esteem at the time

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 4:20pm PDT
It wasn’t though.
I will tell you whatever you ask…
or if I want you to know.

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 4:21pm PDT
I know…
but I want to know…
only what you want me to.
Even if it destroyed parts of you…
parts that you never think you’ll get back.
Even if you never do get them back.
Even if it’s morphed you into another person.
It was badass.
It was jumping on the grenade.
Makes me proud to be human.

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 4:21pm PDT
Trauma changes you
And I always knew I could pull it off
And I stopped talking about it…
when I started to understand that the horrific trauma I went through…
the violation that was upon me…
and the reasons I did what i did…
and why james and his family may be the proof of pure evil on earth…
was fucking too crazy…
too intense…
to painful…
to heavy for anyone to deal with.
My mom knows the some..and she doesn’t know alot
And then people kind of just left.
And I knew why.
And I wasn’t angry that it was too painful just to be connected to me at all.
Animals and rescue showed me who I was and who I could become.
That’s part of my life you don’t know about yet.
I have pulled off some kick ass fuck you undercover rescue operations..
and it pretty awesome.
And animals are innocent and I am a fighter for them.

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 4:30pm PDT
There is no doubt in my mind.
I know it may not mean anything to you….
You go thru some of that
and how others see you means nothing anymore.

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 4:30pm PDT
Through what?

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 4:31pm PDT
Your trauma.
But from my vantage point.
You are not just badass.
You are not just determined.
Or brave or whatever. You are a hero.

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 4:32pm PDT
I don’t think that it is heroic…its badass fucking awesome and fearless..but not heroic

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 4:32pm PDT
So … take it, leave it, it is what it is.
I think I could handle your truths.
And not because I’ve lived it … I haven’t.
So I can’t fully relate.
But I can always listen.
You stuck up for your kid and gave pieces of yourself away.

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 4:32pm PDT
And I never fuck with anyone unless I should

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 4:32pm PDT
I do not know how it gets more heroic.
I am not talking about fucking with him.
I am talking about staying in the situation and letting him destroy you
So you could take care of your son.
Maybe you let your hate drive you
But you were not being dominated by it …
you were being dominated by love.
You know my favorite definition for love?
Even though I find it a pain in the ass the way it’s used….

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 4:33pm PDT
Trauma fucks your world up.
And I sense evil  as soon as I see it…I swear.
It shatters everything you knew
To think evil exists in those most never even suspect…

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 4:33pm PDT
My favorite definition.
Is ironically in the bible.
I’m not a good Christian
But this is still my favorite definition.
It is the most clear for me.
“Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends.”
It is giving yourself away for others.
You did that.
You let your ex traumatize you.
You let your hate take over
You knew what you were doing.
I know … I know that.
I do know that.

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 4:36pm PDT
It was for self preservation is what is was.
If I didn’t do it…
I would be done

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 4:36pm PDT
Nope. It wasn’t.
It was for your son.
Self preservation would have just got you  out.
Self preservation doesn’t plot like you did.

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 4:37pm PDT
If I survived it…
I may somehow be ok.
If I allowed them to destroy me…
Who would protect my son?
That’s it
And survival mode was the easy part
I am gifted in a crisis
Find calm in chaos…by brain actually slows down

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 4:37pm PDT
Yes..
Like I said ….
You jumped on the grenade.
Anyway – I wanted to tell you what I think about you.

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 4:37pm PDT
Thank you. You are the only person who has voiced this to me.
You have no idea how much hearing this from you…
Has healed me.

~Fighting Fire with Fire You will Get Burned~

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 10:55am PDT
And why do you choose to have this with you…

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 10:56am PDT
Have what with me?

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 10:56am PDT
You get so angry…
.and I get that its fucking fucked up and should make you that way…but
You are allowing what you cannot control to control you

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 10:58am PDT
I think it’s because I’m coming off a god complex.
I both have my reality of the way things are.
And how little I can do to change them.
And a deep seated desire …
and burning to do so.
It’s a frustration with myself. And the world. I am slowly learning to accept.

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 10:59am PDT
My opinion…

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 11:00am PDT
It’s the same with alot of things.
Either a frustration or a sadness.

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 11:00am PDT
Thing is…
Fighting anger with anger makes everything you hate…worse.
Fire needs fuel.
And letting go of the anger…
is what gives you the freedom and power to get even.
The motivation is the same.

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 11:15am PDT
Yes – but
And you may hate me for this …
Our motivation IS the same.

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 11:00am PDT
That is what I just said.
Why would I hate our motivation being the same?
I would argue…
it is impossible for our motivation…
to be any other way.

~COLOR MEETS GREY SCALE~

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 10:27am PDT
But whatever. I like to divide colors and classify

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 10:28am PDT
You realize that how you think I see you is how you see yourself

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 10:28am PDT
To an extent
it’s either that

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 10:28am PDT
Or how you fear being seen

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 10:28am PDT
or that what you say hits me differently than how you mean it.

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 10:28am PDT
And you are none of those things

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 10:28am PDT
that we have communication problems.
Hmmmm … You are right. I am afraid of being seen as a coward.
But I HAVE been seen as that … for the last two and a half years.

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 10:29am PDT
We communicate magically

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 10:29am PDT
So I must face that I let myself do that.

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 10:29am PDT
And stop thinking I see you that way

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 10:29am PDT
Not completely seen that way…
probably not seen that way by others but I see that about me. I need to accept it decide what needs to change and move on.

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 10:29am PDT
We speak 2 different languages and we find a way to understand

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 10:29am PDT
lol yes
I have tinted my rainbow with colors
yours has been tinted w grayscale.