Sun Dec. 29th 3am
For this to happen, we must both abide by these rules. Trust me…it can’t be done any other way. I pray the website is done. You may want to pray too.We cannot email each other. We cannot call each other.We cannot text each other.We cannot message each other.Unless…either one of us is willing to take whatever is one the other end. Do not check up on me. Do not ask how I am. Do not ask how my day was. Do not send me quotes. I will do the same for you.I am leaving open the option of letters. I am not planning on writing any at the moment, but may. They are usually more well thought out.Do not write me a goodbye.Do not write me to reminisce.Do not write me to announce a lover.Do not write me to lessen my pain.Do not write me to say whay I taught you. Do not thank me.Do not write anything at all unless you are willing to take what’s on the other end.I will do the same for you.Do not define me as your friend.Do not define any relationship.Do not define me at all.I will do the same for you.Do not come because you need me.Do not return because you are lonely.Do not walk back into my life…Unless you are willing to take whatever is on the other end.Unless you really, really, really, need me, and understand the cost of what needing me means.I will do the same for you.Do not ask for my gift.Do not ask for my mind.Do not ask for me to release you.Do not ask for my forgiveness.Do not ask me to accept who I am to you.Do not ask me to accept who I am not to you.Do not ask me to accept anything at all.I will do the same for you.Do not warn me.Do not preach to me.Do not condemn me.Do not praise me.Do not hate me.Do not judge me.Do not blame me.I will do the same for you.Do not seek ways to gain power over me.Do not seek to discredit me.Do not seek comfort from me.Do not seek friendship from me.Do not seek your connection to me.Do not seek to hurt me.Do not seek to protect me.I will do the same for you.Do not lie to me.Do not hide from me.Do not disrespect me.Do not feel sorry for me.Do not feel proud of me.I will do the same for you.Do not use me.Do not think for me.Do not speak for me.Do not feel for me.Do not act for me.Do not choose for me.Do not fight for me.I will do the same for you.Learn to live without me.Learn to be without me.Learn to think without me.Learn to choose without me.Learn to give without me.Learn to understand without me.Learn to love yourself without me.I will do the same for you.If life without me becomes more of a burden than life with me…If love without me becomes more of a burden than love with me…If pain without me becomes more of a burden than pain with me…If joy without me becomes more of a burden than joy with me…If your journey without me becomes more of a burden than your journey with me…Be brave and show me.I will do the same for you.I have never lost like this before.I have never let go like this before. I have never trusted like this before.I have never given like this before. I have never taken like this before.I have never loved like this before.I have never longed like this before.I have never believed like this before.I have never hurt like this before.I have never known What I now knowI have never seenAs I now seeI have never feltHow I now feelAnd I am afraid.You are worthy of my fear.Be brave and show me.I have no idea what I am doing here. I do not know what this will feel like to me. I do not know what this will be…or when it will be what it is to be, or if it is to be. I do not know what it is, what it was, or what it could be. I do not know a timeline. I do not know a way. I do not know a how. I do not know anything at all.Other than I want you to become who you want to be.Make this freedom a gift.Learn from it.Grow from it.Become who you are from it.With me..Or without me..Be free.I want for you what you want for yourself.I thank you for this gift of connection.In many ways it has healed me.You have given me far more than you will ever know.You are the most amazing man I have ever known.May you come to believe that of yourself someday.Who knows when and where our adventure will end. I can think of no one I would rather have adventures with than you.Always remember…I see who you are…and you are beautiful to me.It is so hard to have to let that go. Fuck!I hope its not forever.Life isn’t the same without you.I am blessed you shared your life with mine.I love you.Be free.Be happy ns. Do good things. Be a warrior. If I can help you, if you need me, be mindful of what you are asking. For if you ask, I will trust that you understand what asking me means. I would do anything for you.I will ask of you in the same way.I don’t want this email to be over…I will try my best.Get my life back. You do the same.Be brave.~nj~
Sun Dec. 29th 120pm
I still need to process this. The two things I know. Are that no matter how dark your path gets. I have seen you for who you are. And you are the only one who bears the power of self destruction. Live … live for your son. Live for those who need you … who will need you. Live for the day when the times of struggle will make the pleasures deeper.The rock I gave you was not a gift from me. It represents what I felt had been given to me by the creation. Indirectly the creator. Never think of it as a gift from me. But a gift from the mountains. The creation.My emotions are not normal. But know that if I can ever do more harm than good. If you ever feel that. I am here.