~11:11~

10:55pm
Well.  I’m calling bs on your reasons for being alone…just like I did some of your other things. But time will tell.

10:56pm
I’ve accepted it…being alone.

10:56pm
Just like you accepted your life wouldn’t get better and fell into despair.

10:56pm
Which means I have the freedom…
To follow my own way…
and everyone always celebrates the end result…
That is why I have gained the love…
and respect…
of many people.
And I am blessed. 

10:57pm
I view your statement of x = y…
As flawed.

10:58pm
It is just my process…
that people always invalidate and walk away from.
Happens all the time.
Only with CM…
she does not.
I base my x = y…
On my evidence.
It’s all I know.

10:59pm
Just as you based your “things won’t get better”  on your evidence…what you know.

10:59pm
I wasn’t following my own process
And “things wouldn’t have gotten better”
Had I continued that way.
It is the understanding and complete faith in my honoring my process…
believing that I’m doing what’s right for ME…
which may make no fucking sense to anyone else but me…
that I crave.
And that is why…
I held on to you for longer than I should have…
because I knew after that point…
I would be walking on my journey alone.
This is how it felt to me.
Not saying this is how it really was.
And for you to honor your own process and path…
I needed to allow you to be free of me.
And it was one one of the most painful experiences in my entire life.
But I let go of you….
because I wanted to honor you…
and I had to begin honoring myself.
And I am only footnotes on the map that guides your path.
Hopefully…
these footnotes may guide you when you feel lost…
and help you find your way back.
I’m not the gps shouting out directions…lol

11:07pm
I never intended to put you in a place to feel responsible to help me get where I want to go. I am deeply sorry for causing you pain.

11:08pm
I never felt responsible for helping you.
Still don’t.
Footnotes are there to read…
only if you feel you need ’em.
And to dismiss if you don’t.

11:09pm
Or make you feel that I wanted to “use you” as a stepping stone

11:09pm
I never ever felt that way
I’m saying…
I simply enjoy talking to you.

11:10pm
FOOTNOTES!

11:10pm
Only perhaps in smaller time chunks.

11:10pm
I was a novice at this ns
And I fucked up
That’s what beginners do
And they learn

11:11pm
Or talking to me…
in more simple terms…
than you preferred at times.
Especially when my “do” began to overtake my “feel.”

11:11pm
Do you ever remember me apologizing for causing you pain?

11:14pm
No. I don’t think you have anythIng to apologize for

11:14pm
I don’t.
For the same reason you don’t either.

11:15pm
Which is?

11:16pm
If you have the fear of causing the other person pain…
and that is the foundation of how you engage with them…
you are not being authentic towards them…
and not being authentic towards yourself.
Intending pain and fearing causing pain…
are very different.

11:17pm
Hmmm…never heard it put that way.

11:18pm
Why do people stay in relationships…
when they know they are destroying themselves by doing so?
Any relationship…
friendship…
whatever other “ships” you use to label people.
Draining their life source by doing so…
Fucking their soul by doing so…
Why?
Simply because they fear causing the other person pain.
And they are terrified of experiencing pain themselves
Pain is what made me fearless.

11:20pm
Interesting observation.

11:20pm
Pain of hurting others…
and the pain of guilt for doing so.
And what people don’t seem to understand…
Is that the damage from staying in the space where this pain is manifested…
because of the fear of letting go…
is what in the end…
really fucks people up.
And holding on to avoid pain…
is far more painful…
far more damaging..
than just being brave enough…
to that pain creating space go.
I have witnessed this over and over in my own life.

11:23pm
All kinds of situations

11:24pm
You would be correct

11:25pm
And there lies the difference…
between the fearless and the cowards.

11:27pm
Definitely a manifestation of it.

11:28pm
Fearless people face pain…
Cowards run from it.
Or seek self serving revenge…
on those they feel may have caused it.
And these are the hearts that never heal.

11:29pm
Or perhaps it’s as much of a wisdom thing. 
Of being able to see…
Beyond what is tomorrow

11:29pm
Revenge doesn’t have to be self serving
Fighting fire with fire never wins.
And sitting in that space of pure agony…
And not numbing the pain or running away…
That space is fucking rawness to the core.
And if you find the courage to sit in this raw space..the courage to feel every fucking horrific painful moment of it…
the process of becoming fearless…
of finding the power of  freedom…
that comes with letting go…
begins. Most never experience the joy…
this freedom and fearlessness brings.
And I understand why.
Sitting in this space…
Creates the drug addicts.
Creates the “whores.”
Creates the ability for a sane person to commit murder.
Creates withdrawing from life into personal isolation.
And anything that would cause someone to sit in this space…
Ever, ever, ever again…
Is avoided at all costs.
Yet these people are often not alone.
Because they recruit others to numb the pain for them.
And people who can’t sit in this space with their own pain…
Medicate themselves by taking on the pain that is not their own.
Most people are cowards.
Very few dare to be brave…
And face the fear of…
Pain.

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