~I Have Nothing Left to Offer You~

Sunday, December 15, 2013 at 10:18pm MST
I KNEW. I FUCKING knew.
I should have set boundaries for myself before washing ton.
Next time a chick tells me to just let things happen I’m going with my gut *grumbles*
I hate that I hurt you.
You have given me so much. And I’ll be here for you. Like Luke.

Sunday, December 15, 2013 at 10:21pm MST
Please stop

Sunday, December 15, 2013 at 10:23pm MST
Ok. I’m sorry. I WANT to be here for you if I can cause more good than harm when you need me. Because one day we’ll fight monsters together.

Sunday, December 15, 2013 at 10:23pm MST
Next time a guy says you can fall apart and be vulnerable, I’m going with my gut. I hate that I trusted you. Leave me alone for now. You make me feel like a charity case so just stop.
The best gift I can give you is to set you free. So I give it to you.
Let me fall apart alone. I should have known better than to try and do it any other way.
Stop.
Just stop.
Stop.

Sunday, December 15, 2013 at 10:28pm MST
No. Not if you are going to try to get the last word. Let me try to explain this to you.

Sunday, December 15, 2013 at 10:29pm MST
THERE IS NOTHING LEFT TO SAY

Sunday, December 15, 2013 at 10:29pm MST
Sorry I hurt you.
You have given me so much

Sunday, December 15, 2013 at 10:29pm MST
I want you in my corner

Sunday, December 15, 2013 at 10:29pm MST
I cannot. I CANNOT be an emotional rock to a romantic interest. It is impossible. That is the one person in the world

Sunday, December 15, 2013 at 10:29pm MST
STOOOOPPPPPPP

Sunday, December 15, 2013 at 10:31pm MST
*grumbles*

Sunday, December 15, 2013 at 10:31pm MST
You validate everything I already feared was true about myself.

Sunday, December 15, 2013 at 10:31pm MST
What?

Sunday, December 15, 2013 at 10:31pm MST
So be free of me.

Sunday, December 15, 2013 at 10:32pm MST
Romantic lyrics I am. The other ways I’m not unless you insist I be.

Sunday, December 15, 2013 at 10:32pm MST
I have nothing left to offer you.

Sunday, December 15, 2013 at 10:32pm MST
Romanticly
That is complete bs

Sunday, December 15, 2013 at 10:33pm MST
I don’t know what romantic lyrics are

Sunday, December 15, 2013 at 10:33pm MST
Romanticly*
That is the one spot in my life where I cannot offer stability. It is the chink in my armor.

Sunday, December 15, 2013 at 10:34pm MST
I have nothing left to offer you.

Sunday, December 15, 2013 at 10:35pm MST
I will not put you in that position. And if you have been has been any body’s guess.

Sunday, December 15, 2013 at 10:35pm MST
Let me be

Sunday, December 15, 2013 at 10:35pm MST
That is complete and utter bs.
I’m sorry. We see things differently … remember what you tell yourself is not always the way it is. I’m here if you decide I can do more good than damage.

Sunday, December 15, 2013 at 10:55pm MST
I have nothing to offer you. Or anyone else. I am reminded of just how emotionally fucked up I am. I am too damaged. I understand. It is no one else’s load to carry but my own.

~Dear D…~

Dear D….

I have set out to write this letter, or a letter of a similar purpose, quite a few times over the last several months, but I could never seem to get the courage to actually sit down and do so. Writing is both liberating and terrifying to me, but if there is one occasion for which a return to writing is justified, it is this birthday letter to you.

I never thought I would be writing something like this to you when I saw you get out of your car on that October evening, the night my car broke down and I called to tell you I probably wasn’t going to make our date that night. I felt at the time that my call resulted in a roll of your eyes and an annoyance in your day, and when you called me to ask if I needed you to help me, I sensed that it felt more of an obligation to you than anything else. I have come to learn since that time, that this sense of obligation, this sense of loyalty to a certain code of conduct, or a certain kind of people or specific person, is both your greatest blessing and your greatest curse. I have come to learn how this loyalty of yours has been taken advantage of, has not been appreciated, and has caused you great heartache in your relationship with others. Yet this loyalty is what makes you who you are, it is your belief system, and it is something that I find to be one of the most beautiful things about you and how you conduct yourself. There are very few truly loyal people in this world, and I believe that you are one of them, and I hope you never lose this gift which makes you who you are.

You are truly one of the most brilliant minds I have ever known, and brilliant in a way that is so different than kind of brilliance my mind operates on, which makes how you think and understand the world, even more fascinating to me. I can literally feel when the gears in that mind of yours begin to tick, and I love watching the process of how you think, how ideas come to you, and how you find solutions to things that other people think don’t make sense. You are literal, methodical, and it is truly awe inspiring for me to listen and watch how your mind works. I love it and respect it immensely.

I love how sensitive you are, and the amount of effort you put into convincing yourself and others that you are not. You feel things very deeply, and feelings are not something your mind is comfortable trying to understand, so you dismiss things, you downplay things, you change subjects on things, you do anything you can to stop your mind from going there, because you fear what you feel and yet cannot understand. This is part of human nature, but to you, this is what has kept you emotionally safe, has kept your walls up, has allowed you to move on thinking feelings are not to be believed, or trusted, they are to be tested to determine if they are true. I believe this is an excuse for you not to feel, or not to show how you feel, and I often feel like holding and comforting this vulnerable part of you, but you very rarely allow me, and I very rarely dare to push. Yet, it is my nature to be curious about human nature, and I will always push you…just enough.

Thank you for being so good to me.

Thank you for being so good for me.

Thank you for being such a good man.

I adore you.

~The Job That Changed My Life~

October 7, 2014

Hello!

I recently returned to my hometown of Ogden, after living in Seattle for the last 8 years. I making a fresh start here in Utah, raising my 3 year old Autistic son with the support of my family and friends here at home.

After finishing graduate school, I spent most of my career working in crisis response and intervention services. My brain is wired for multitasking and working well under pressure. I have a knack for remaining detail oriented under stressful circumstances, and am able to retain large amounts of information which needs to be recalled in split second time. Keeping up and performing well in a fast paced work environment, is what I do best.

I decided to take a leap of faith last fall, and walked away from the security of the kind of work I had done my entire professional life. I did this knowing that my talents and skills would create new opportunities, if I dared to take a risk and be open to whatever life had in store for me. I wanted to do something different. Honoring that was the best decision that I have ever made.

For the last year, my son, my cat, my dog, and I have been roadtripping around the country, and I have been writing about our adventures and all of the amazing people and places we were able to meet and see along the way. We returned to Utah in August, and I found a job (where I currently work part time) working with a local urban farmer harvesting and selling produce, and creating a new marketing campaign for his small urban farm business. I love photography, am fascinated at finding ways to use social media for small business and non profit advertising, and I wanted to learn how urban farms work and continue learning how to create successful marketing campaigns.

Without a strong sense of passion, my life would have no purpose. Passion fuels everything that I do. It sparks my creativity, gives me courage to take  leaps of faith, and allows me to continue discovering new things, new places, and new opportunities in my life. I am drawn to others who share this sense of passion and purpose, and reading your job posting ad, my sense is that you are someone who has this kind of passion for life and work to.

Coffee? Where do I even begin! Every morning for 8 years, my dog and I ventured out onto Broadway Avenue, a block away from our apartment in the Seattle neighborhood of Capitol Hill for the most perfectly roasted, brewed, or pressed cup of coffee. Vivace, Roy Street Coffee, and Dillenttante, were a few of our favorites, and we repeated this ritual sometimes several times in a day.

I take my coffee black with light ice (to cool it off), so the quality of my cup is of paramount importance to me. I have always wanted to work as a Barista in a local coffee shop. To work with people who share my passion for coffee, to offer my talents and skills to help this coffee passion turn into profit, to grow within a group of people who have the entrepreneurial and visionary spirit that small business owners so often do…

Well I can honestly think of nothing more lovely and exciting than that.

Thanks!
~nj~

~BE THE HERO IN YOUR OWN STORY~

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 3:10pm PDT
argggg – please don’t leave.
I don’t think you understand. You HAVE helped release me. It isn’t because of why you think. I will not let her or him be part of my definition. I decided that. I didn’t know how to let go of her emotionally
It was something beyond my control. You helped me with that the first night … or second or some point.
I seriously did not. I DID decide in all of this – that if I ever have a woman. I want one who can have my back.
She did not. I don’t know what your opinions are of her.
I have something to say.
You said you stayed with your James for a year…while you built his case. That was fucking bad ass.
You have NO IDEA how much respect that earns from me.

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 3:21pm PDT
And he did horrific things to me

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 3:21pm PDT
I do not know what went on in your relationship. I will not ask. I can feel it coming off of you.
I can feel it radiating.
And you knew … you KNEW exactly what you were doing. You knew what you had to go thru to protect the innocent that you loved.
And that was it – you had to suffer.
You had to give pieces of yourself
away. Pieces that you probably wonder if they’ll come back … or have wondered that.

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 3:23pm PDT
I almost had nothing left

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 3:23pm PDT
If my burdens were the size of pebbles
Yours would be boulders.
I don’t understand … I don’t.
I can relate some.
A little.
But I can’t fathom it…
only to say I see you.
I think I do.
Sometimes it helps just to be seen.

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 3:26pm PDT
And I said nothing in detail to anyone.
No one even knew the horrors of the last year with him.
Then I called who mattered the day he left and told them.

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 3:26pm PDT
Which was?

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 3:27pm PDT
James is gone.

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 4:20pm PDT
But I want you to know…
I’m here to listen if you ever want to talk.
And even if you felt like it was destroying your self esteem at the time

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 4:20pm PDT
It wasn’t though.
I will tell you whatever you ask…
or if I want you to know.

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 4:21pm PDT
I know…
but I want to know…
only what you want me to.
Even if it destroyed parts of you…
parts that you never think you’ll get back.
Even if you never do get them back.
Even if it’s morphed you into another person.
It was badass.
It was jumping on the grenade.
Makes me proud to be human.

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 4:21pm PDT
Trauma changes you
And I always knew I could pull it off
And I stopped talking about it…
when I started to understand that the horrific trauma I went through…
the violation that was upon me…
and the reasons I did what i did…
and why james and his family may be the proof of pure evil on earth…
was fucking too crazy…
too intense…
to painful…
to heavy for anyone to deal with.
My mom knows the some..and she doesn’t know alot
And then people kind of just left.
And I knew why.
And I wasn’t angry that it was too painful just to be connected to me at all.
Animals and rescue showed me who I was and who I could become.
That’s part of my life you don’t know about yet.
I have pulled off some kick ass fuck you undercover rescue operations..
and it pretty awesome.
And animals are innocent and I am a fighter for them.

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 4:30pm PDT
There is no doubt in my mind.
I know it may not mean anything to you….
You go thru some of that
and how others see you means nothing anymore.

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 4:30pm PDT
Through what?

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 4:31pm PDT
Your trauma.
But from my vantage point.
You are not just badass.
You are not just determined.
Or brave or whatever. You are a hero.

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 4:32pm PDT
I don’t think that it is heroic…its badass fucking awesome and fearless..but not heroic

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 4:32pm PDT
So … take it, leave it, it is what it is.
I think I could handle your truths.
And not because I’ve lived it … I haven’t.
So I can’t fully relate.
But I can always listen.
You stuck up for your kid and gave pieces of yourself away.

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 4:32pm PDT
And I never fuck with anyone unless I should

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 4:32pm PDT
I do not know how it gets more heroic.
I am not talking about fucking with him.
I am talking about staying in the situation and letting him destroy you
So you could take care of your son.
Maybe you let your hate drive you
But you were not being dominated by it …
you were being dominated by love.
You know my favorite definition for love?
Even though I find it a pain in the ass the way it’s used….

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 4:33pm PDT
Trauma fucks your world up.
And I sense evil  as soon as I see it…I swear.
It shatters everything you knew
To think evil exists in those most never even suspect…

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 4:33pm PDT
My favorite definition.
Is ironically in the bible.
I’m not a good Christian
But this is still my favorite definition.
It is the most clear for me.
“Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends.”
It is giving yourself away for others.
You did that.
You let your ex traumatize you.
You let your hate take over
You knew what you were doing.
I know … I know that.
I do know that.

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 4:36pm PDT
It was for self preservation is what is was.
If I didn’t do it…
I would be done

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 4:36pm PDT
Nope. It wasn’t.
It was for your son.
Self preservation would have just got you  out.
Self preservation doesn’t plot like you did.

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 4:37pm PDT
If I survived it…
I may somehow be ok.
If I allowed them to destroy me…
Who would protect my son?
That’s it
And survival mode was the easy part
I am gifted in a crisis
Find calm in chaos…by brain actually slows down

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 4:37pm PDT
Yes..
Like I said ….
You jumped on the grenade.
Anyway – I wanted to tell you what I think about you.

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 4:37pm PDT
Thank you. You are the only person who has voiced this to me.
You have no idea how much hearing this from you…
Has healed me.

~COLOR MEETS GREY SCALE~

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 10:27am PDT
But whatever. I like to divide colors and classify

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 10:28am PDT
You realize that how you think I see you is how you see yourself

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 10:28am PDT
To an extent
it’s either that

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 10:28am PDT
Or how you fear being seen

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 10:28am PDT
or that what you say hits me differently than how you mean it.

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 10:28am PDT
And you are none of those things

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 10:28am PDT
that we have communication problems.
Hmmmm … You are right. I am afraid of being seen as a coward.
But I HAVE been seen as that … for the last two and a half years.

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 10:29am PDT
We communicate magically

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 10:29am PDT
So I must face that I let myself do that.

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 10:29am PDT
And stop thinking I see you that way

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 10:29am PDT
Not completely seen that way…
probably not seen that way by others but I see that about me. I need to accept it decide what needs to change and move on.

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 10:29am PDT
We speak 2 different languages and we find a way to understand

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 10:29am PDT
lol yes
I have tinted my rainbow with colors
yours has been tinted w grayscale.

~A Side of Me Most Do Not See~

September 22, 2013 at 11:07pm PDT
You have to realize that you are getting a side of me
that most don’t see
and when you meet me…

September 22, 2013 at 11:07pm PDT
Ok. THAT helps me understand.

September 22, 2013 at 11:08pm PDT
you will find me quite chill and someone who brings a sense of calmness among chaos.
Shit…if I was like this all the time?
lose my fucking mind. But may I tell you something?

September 22, 2013 at 11:09pm PDT
I am less of a spectrum of colors than you.

September 22, 2013 at 11:09pm PDT
Yes. I want to thank you for allowing me to be this way…for finding me more interesting than you find me crazy. being me means that I keep alot of shit to myself…I mean alot of shit.

September 22, 2013 at 11:12pm PDT
That what you were really gonna say?

September 22, 2013 at 11:12pm PDT
And some call me crazy…and people try and make me make sense with things that I am not…and it’s hard sometimes to be always misunderstood like that, and when I try to explain myself to them….well that is like speaking to them in chinese and they think I am even more crazy.

September 22, 2013 at 11:13pm PDT
I think I’ve called you crazy several times 😉

September 22, 2013 at 11:13pm PDT
You have no idea. For some reason we click and even though you don’t get some things.
or say you don’t understand….

September 22, 2013 at 11:14pm PDT
I with both try to accept you and gently understand you.

September 22, 2013 at 11:14pm PDT
You do it in a way that others do not, will not, have not.
And I will do the same for you

September 22, 2013 at 11:14pm PDT
I just don’t get why we click.

September 22, 2013 at 11:15pm PDT
Who cares why we do?
Does it matter?

September 22, 2013 at 11:15pm PDT
YA. Don’t have a ton of expectation it will go on.

September 22, 2013 at 11:16pm PDT
I don’t even think about that.

September 22, 2013 at 11:16pm PDT
Situations from the past help explain now.
Now will help explain the future.

September 22, 2013 at 11:16pm PDT
Right now who cares?
Wait…Explain my past or yours?

September 22, 2013 at 11:17pm PDT
Both.

September 22, 2013 at 11:17pm PDT
I don’t think about how this will end,
or if it will end
or why…
Because it doesn’t matter to me.

September 22, 2013 at 11:17pm PDT
No it isn’t that.

September 22, 2013 at 11:17pm PDT
What is it?

September 22, 2013 at 11:17pm PDT
It’s why it exists.

September 22, 2013 at 11:18pm PDT
Why’s it here?
It doesn’t quite fit … or fit at all.
What is it I it I don’t understand?

September 22, 2013 at 11:19pm PDT
You are really wondering why we click
why we fit.

September 22, 2013 at 11:20pm PDT
And was trying to figure out who you were.

September 22, 2013 at 11:20pm PDT
So you have to make sure to have the answers.

September 22, 2013 at 11:22pm PDT
Don’t hate me for it.

September 22, 2013 at 11:22pm PDT
I don’t think I could hate you
for anything.

~Fighting Fire with Fire You will Get Burned~

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 10:55am PDT
And why do you choose to have this with you…

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 10:56am PDT
Have what with me?

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 10:56am PDT
You get so angry…
.and I get that its fucking fucked up and should make you that way…but
You are allowing what you cannot control to control you

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 10:58am PDT
I think it’s because I’m coming off a god complex.
I both have my reality of the way things are.
And how little I can do to change them.
And a deep seated desire …
and burning to do so.
It’s a frustration with myself. And the world. I am slowly learning to accept.

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 10:59am PDT
My opinion…

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 11:00am PDT
It’s the same with alot of things.
Either a frustration or a sadness.

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 11:00am PDT
Thing is…
Fighting anger with anger makes everything you hate…worse.
Fire needs fuel.
And letting go of the anger…
is what gives you the freedom and power to get even.
The motivation is the same.

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 11:15am PDT
Yes – but
And you may hate me for this …
Our motivation IS the same.

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 11:00am PDT
That is what I just said.
Why would I hate our motivation being the same?
I would argue…
it is impossible for our motivation…
to be any other way.

~Happy Thanksgiving~

For your
strength
For you
courage
For your
dignity and grace
I am thankful.

For your
simplicity
For your
humility
For your
compassion and your faith
I am thankful.

For your
struggles
For your
torments
For your
tears and heart that aches
I am thankful.

For your
bravery
For your
kindness
For your
wonder and your truth
I am thankful.

For your
light
For your
darkness
For your
joy and for your pain
I am thankful.

For your honesty
For your goodness
For your mind
For your heart
For your soul
I am thankful

For your trials
For your failures
For your triumphs
I am thankful

For your wisdom
For your knowledge
For your greatness
For your meekness
I am thankful

For your thoughts
For your words
For your intentions
For your passion
I am thankful.

For your history
For your moments
For today and for tomorrow
I am thankful

For your
friendship
For your
gentleness
For your anger and your hate
I am thankful

For your
simplicity
For your
purity
For your
belief in me
I am thankful

For everything you are to me
For everything you have given to me
For everything you mean to me
I am thankful.

For all of you
For good
For bad
For right
For wrong
For now
For then
Forever…
For you…
I am thankful.

I will give thanks today for those who have blessed my life. I am so thankful for you ns. And while I know you find my thanks suspicious, or uncomfortable, or meaning something other than what it is, nothing changes. It is what it is. I do not seek anything in return. I do not. Your presence in my life, and in the lives of so many others, is reason to give thanks. You have taught me so many things about what it means to be a beautiful human being. You remind me of what is important in my life. You inspire me with how you choose to live yours. To God, to the Universe, to whoever or whatever allowed my path to collide with yours, I am so very thankful. You have given me more, inspired me more, challenged me more, comforted me more, than you will ever know.

Happy Thanksgiving.

~nj~

~COLOR MEETS GREY SCALE~

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 10:27am PDT
But whatever. I like to divide colors and classify

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 10:28am PDT
You realize that how you think I see you is how you see yourself

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 10:28am PDT
To an extent
it’s either that
Or how you fear being seen

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 10:28am PDT
or that what you say hits me differently than how you mean it.

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 10:28am PDT
And you are none of those things

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 10:28am PDT
that we have communication problems.
Hmmmm … You are right. I am afraid of being seen as a coward.
But I HAVE been seen as that … for the last two and a half years.

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 10:29am PDT
We communicate magically

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 10:29am PDT
So I must face that I let myself do that.

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 10:29am PDT
And stop thinking I see you that way

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 10:29am PDT
Not completely seen that way…
probably not seen that way by others but I see that about me. I need to accept it decide what needs to change and move on.

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 10:29am PDT
We speak 2 different languages and we find a way to understand

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 10:29am PDT
lol yes
I have tinted my rainbow with colors
yours has been tinted w grayscale.

~You Capture My Attention Completely~

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 8:00am PDT
I think the one thing about you the is a bit scary to me….
is that I want to have too much of your time…
and I am not like that…what the fuck

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 8:00am PDT
It is not exhausting.

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 8:01am PDT
You capture my attention completely..
and that is nearly impossible to do

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 8:01am PDT
It does not have all the boringness…
Of a normal conversation. Like constant waves of color.
But whatever. I like to divide colors and classify

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 8:02am PDT
I find you fascinating…
and the strange thing to me is that
nothing you tell me changes anything…
just helps me with the why

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 8:02am PDT
Lol I have no clue why you find me interesting
Feels like we’ve met.
Knew each other all along.
This happens to me sometimes though not to this degree. Seldom.
Like 3 times and I pay attention more now

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 8:04am PDT
You have been the same to me u the beginning…
the rest are just the details.
But you stay the same
Wierd.