I have set out to write this letter, or a letter of a similar purpose, quite a few times over the last several months, but I could never seem to get the courage to actually sit down and do so. Writing is both liberating and terrifying to me, but if there is one occasion for which a return to writing is justified, it is this birthday letter to you.
I never thought I would be writing something like this to you when I saw you get out of your car on that October evening, the night my car broke down and I called to tell you I probably wasn’t going to make our date that night. I felt at the time that my call resulted in a roll of your eyes and an annoyance in your day, and when you called me to ask if I needed you to help me, I sensed that it felt more of an obligation to you than anything else. I have come to learn since that time, that this sense of obligation, this sense of loyalty to a certain code of conduct, or a certain kind of people or specific person, is both your greatest blessing and your greatest curse. I have come to learn how this loyalty of yours has been taken advantage of, has not been appreciated, and has caused you great heartache in your relationship with others. Yet this loyalty is what makes you who you are, it is your belief system, and it is something that I find to be one of the most beautiful things about you and how you conduct yourself. There are very few truly loyal people in this world, and I believe that you are one of them, and I hope you never lose this gift which makes you who you are.
You are truly one of the most brilliant minds I have ever known, and brilliant in a way that is so different than kind of brilliance my mind operates on, which makes how you think and understand the world, even more fascinating to me. I can literally feel when the gears in that mind of yours begin to tick, and I love watching the process of how you think, how ideas come to you, and how you find solutions to things that other people think don’t make sense. You are literal, methodical, and it is truly awe inspiring for me to listen and watch how your mind works. I love it and respect it immensely.
I love how sensitive you are, and the amount of effort you put into convincing yourself and others that you are not. You feel things very deeply, and feelings are not something your mind is comfortable trying to understand, so you dismiss things, you downplay things, you change subjects on things, you do anything you can to stop your mind from going there, because you fear what you feel and yet cannot understand. This is part of human nature, but to you, this is what has kept you emotionally safe, has kept your walls up, has allowed you to move on thinking feelings are not to be believed, or trusted, they are to be tested to determine if they are true. I believe this is an excuse for you not to feel, or not to show how you feel, and I often feel like holding and comforting this vulnerable part of you, but you very rarely allow me, and I very rarely dare to push. Yet, it is my nature to be curious about human nature, and I will always push you…just enough.
Thank you for being so good to me.
Thank you for being so good for me.
Thank you for being such a good man.
I adore you.