~My Story~

I remember the overwhelming waves of emotions that I felt rushing in on me, the first time I chose to share my story with someone I had trusted enough to listen. Sharing my story has been bittersweet. I have never openly shared my story with anyone, and it is a story, that I am not sure  I will ever choose to fully share again. Living through something like what I lived through, changes who you are, and it changes how others think of you in many ways. Nearly everyone who is anyone in your life, will at some point, distance themselves to avoid sharing in the pain of your experience, and end, you find yourself alone, in the most terrifying and utterly isolating space that you could have possibly imagined. And you sit with it. And you allow yourself to experience what this kind of pain feels like. And you do this alone…because the only person you can truly count on to heal from something like this, the only person you can truly count on to move on from something like this, is you. People will forget your story, they always do, and eventually people move on, and life goes on, and you are expected to move on and go on too. And you have to…but you will never forget that moment when for the very first time, what you had lived through, what you had endured, what you had walked away from, and what you left behind, made you brave in the eyes of another. If you say you will listen, you must also prepare yourself for what you will hear, and I am not sure that anyone can ever really prepare themselves for something like that. Trust me.

~This is My Story~
POSTED ON MARCH 24, 2014

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 3:10pm PDT
I don’t think you understand. You HAVE helped release me. It isn’t because of why you think. I will not let her or him be part of my definition. I decided that. I didn’t know how to let go of her emotionally
It was something beyond my control. You helped me with that the first night … or second or some point.
I seriously did not. I DID decide in all of this – that if I ever have a woman. I want one who can have my back.
She did not. I don’t know what your opinions are of her.
I have something to say.
You said you stayed with your J for a year…while you built his case. That was fucking bad ass.
You have NO IDEA how much respect that earns from me.
Monday, September 23, 2013 at 3:21pm PDT
And he did horrific things to me
Monday, September 23, 2013 at 3:21pm PDT
I do not know what went on in your relationship. I will not ask. I can feel it coming off of you.
I can feel it radiating.
And you knew … you KNEW exactly what you were doing. You knew what you had to go thru to protect the innocent that you loved.
And that was it – you had to suffer.
You had to give pieces of yourself away.
Pieces that you probably wonder if they’ll come back … or have wondered that.
Monday, September 23, 2013 at 3:23pm PDT
I almost had nothing left.
Monday, September 23, 2013 at 3:23pm PDT
If my burdens were the size of pebbles
Yours would be boulders.
I don’t understand … I don’t.
I can relate some.
A little.
But I can’t fathom it…
only to say I see you.
I think I do.
Sometimes it helps just to be seen.
Monday, September 23, 2013 at 3:26pm PDT
And I said nothing in detail to anyone.
No one even knew the horrors of the last year with him.
Then I called who mattered the day he left and told them.
Monday, September 23, 2013 at 3:26pm PDT
Which was?
Monday, September 23, 2013 at 3:27pm PDT
J is gone.
Monday, September 23, 2013 at 4:20pm PDT
But I want you to know…
I’m here to listen if you ever want to talk.
And even if you felt like it was destroying your self esteem at the time
Monday, September 23, 2013 at 4:20pm PDT
It wasn’t though.
I will tell you whatever you ask…
or if I want you to know.
Monday, September 23, 2013 at 4:21pm PDT
I know…
but I want to know…
only what you want me to.
Even if it destroyed parts of you…
parts that you never think you’ll get back.
Even if you never do get them back.
Even if it’s morphed you into another person.
It was badass.
It was jumping on the grenade.
Makes me proud to be human.
Monday, September 23, 2013 at 4:21pm PDT
Trauma changes you
And I always knew I could pull it off
And I stopped talking about it…
when I started to understand that the horrific trauma I went through…
the violation that was upon me…
and the reasons I did what i did…
and why J and his family may be the proof of pure evil on earth…
was fucking too crazy…
too intense…
to painful…
to heavy for anyone to deal with.
A few people know some…
but no one knows all.
And then people kind of just left.
And I knew why.
And I wasn’t angry that it was too painful just to be connected to me at all.
Animals and rescue showed me who I was and who I could become.
That’s part of my life you don’t know about yet.
I have pulled off some kick ass fuck you for fucking with animals undercover rescue operations..
…and it pretty awesome.
And animals are innocent and I am a fighter for them.
Monday, September 23, 2013 at 4:30pm PDT
There is no doubt in my mind.
I know it may not mean anything to you….
You go thru some of that
and how others see you means nothing anymore.
Monday, September 23, 2013 at 4:30pm PDT
Through what?
Monday, September 23, 2013 at 4:31pm PDT
Your trauma.
But from my vantage point.
You are not just badass.
You are not just determined.
Or brave or whatever. You are a hero.
Monday, September 23, 2013 at 4:32pm PDT
I don’t think that it is heroic…its badass fucking awesome and fearless..but not heroic
Monday, September 23, 2013 at 4:32pm PDT
So … take it, leave it, it is what it is.
I think I could handle your truths.
And not because I’ve lived it … I haven’t.
So I can’t fully relate.
But I can always listen.
You stuck up for your kid and gave pieces of yourself away.
Monday, September 23, 2013 at 4:32pm PDT
And I never fuck with anyone unless I should
Monday, September 23, 2013 at 4:32pm PDT
I do not know how it gets more heroic.
I am not talking about fucking with him.
I am talking about staying in the situation and letting him destroy you
So you could take care of your son.
Maybe you let your hate drive you
But you were not being dominated by it …
you were being dominated by love.
You know my favorite definition for love?
Even though I find it a pain in the ass the way it’s used….
Monday, September 23, 2013 at 4:33pm PDT
Trauma like that fucks your world up.
And I sense evil  as soon as I see it…I swear.
It shatters everything you knew
To think evil exists in those most never even suspect…
Monday, September 23, 2013 at 4:33pm PDT
My favorite definition.
Is ironically in the bible.
I’m not a good Christian
But this is still my favorite definition.
It is the most clear for me.
“Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends.”
It is giving yourself away for others.
You did that.
You let your ex traumatize you.
You let your hate take over.
You knew what you were doing.
I know … I know that.
I do know that.
Monday, September 23, 2013 at 4:36pm PDT
It was for self preservation is what is was.
If I didn’t do it…
I would be done
Monday, September 23, 2013 at 4:36pm PDT
Nope. It wasn’t.
It was for your son.
Self preservation would have just got you  out.
Self preservation doesn’t plot like you did.
Monday, September 23, 2013 at 4:37pm PDT
If I survived it…
I may somehow be ok.
If I allowed them to destroy me…
Who would protect my son?
That’s it.
And survival mode was the easy part
I am gifted in a crisis
Find calm in chaos…by brain actually slows down
Monday, September 23, 2013 at 4:37pm PDT
Yes..
Like I said ….
You jumped on the grenade.
Anyway – I wanted to tell you what I think about you.
Monday, September 23, 2013 at 4:37pm PDT
Thank you. You are the only person who has voiced this to me.
You have no idea how much hearing these words from you…
Has healed me.
~nj

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