~I will not fit in your box~

image

THERE IS NO “BOX” TO PLACE ME IN…
ACCEPT THE CHALLENGE TO TRY.
I DARE YOU.
I WILL NEVER FIT INTO IT.
I WILL NEVER CONFORM.
NOT BECAUSE I AM DEFYING YOU…
OR DISRESPECTING YOU…
OR NOT TRYING TO…
BUT BECAUSE OF WHO I AM.
WHO I AM…
MEANS THAT I CANNOT…
BECAUSE I DO NOT KNOW HOW
TO BE ANYTHING OTHER THAN ME.
I WILL NEVER BE
WHO…
HOW…
WHAT…
YOU WANT ME TO BE.
WHO…
HOW…
WHAT…
YOU THINK I’M SUPPOSED TO BE.
WHO….
HOW…
WHAT…
YOU THINK I SHOULD BE.
I CAN ONLY BE ME.
I WILL LIKELY DISAPPOINT
AND EXCEED
YOUR EXPECTATIONS OF ME.
THESE ARE OFTEN YOUR OWN EXPECTATIONS..
AND NOT MY FAILURES,
NOT ALWAYS…
BUT SOMETIMES.
BECAUSE I FAIL.
I DISAPPOINT.
I CAN’T BE EVERYTHING TO EVERYBODY.
I WILL BE MISUNDERSTOOD.
I WILL BE INSPIRED.
I WILL BE FEARLESS.
I WILL BE VULNERABLE.
I WILL BE LOVING.
I WILL BE TRUE.
I WILL BE DEVOTED.
I WILL BE LOYAL.
I WILL BE THANKFUL.
I WILL BE ALL OF THIS…
AND MORE..
WHY?
BECAUSE WHO AM I?
I AM ME.
AND I SIMPLY DO NOT KNOW…
ANY OTHER WAY TO BE.
SO PLEASE JUST LOVE ME.
~nj~

~In The Beginning~

In The Beginning

You are right about how we must never elude, never be vague. That we must always be honest with each other. This means that we understand why it must be this way for both of us. I am not afraid of people walking out of my life, people usually do,. I am aware afraid of how those that do, may hurt me.

I believe if they do walk away, at whichever time they choose to do so, it is how it was always supposed to be., How it would have always been. It doesn’t mean that their absence won’t hurt me, because it very well may break my heart. But this is a risk I choose to take.

To me, when someone decides their part in my story, and my part in theirs is over…

the how, the when, and the why, are not the questions that matter to me. It doesn’t mean that I feel the same way or see things the same as they do, or that I will watch them walk away without putting up a fight, but what matters most to me is this…

No matter how I had hoped their part in my story would go, how I hoped it would be, or thought it may be, it is that at any given moment, I believe it is exactly how it was supposed to be. This is how the Universe intended it to be. This is how it should be. I  trust in that.

You are not a just a coincidence to me. No matter what I am or am not to you, I am thankful that I have come to believe there are no such things as coincidences.  I would feel the way if I shared only one day with you,  or if I we shared a lifetime.I would be blessed to have shared these moment with you. Moments that will always be among the most meaningful moments of my life.

I am uncertain why I feel this way about you. All I know is that at this moment, this place, this time, no matter whatever this is, or whatever it becomes, is how it is was always meant to be.

You must know that whatever I am or whatever I become to you, who I will be in your life, what part I will play in your story, how I will influence your journey, is something that only you have the power to decide.

You are the only one who can allow me in, or shut me out. Trust me on this.

Whatever you are or whatever you become to me, who you will be in my life, what part you will play in my story, how you will influence my journey, is something only I have the power to decide. I am the only one who can allow you in, or shut you out. Trust me on this.

We will never make the choice for the other.

I ask that you not be guided by a fear of if or how you may hurt me. My reactions are beyond your control, and you do not have the power to create or change them. No matter how much you want or how much you try to do so. I ask that you not allow fear to determine how you engage with me. I will always be ok, and I know you will too.

I am someone who has learned to feel safe in uncertainty, fear, and chaos. I let go of being tied to outcomes and expectations, let go of being tied to destinations, and I have learned how to navigate my journey without being dependent on a map.

I believe that if my intent is as it should be, if my heart is where it should be, if I remain mindful of the moral code I have created for myself and honor it, if I am aware of my own “truths,” and remain mindful that my “truths” are not the “truths” of others…that wherever I go, wherever I end up, whatever the outcome of my journey may be…I am where I was always meant to be.

I do not believe my fate or destiny is in the hands of anyone else. We can change the direction of our path at any time. We are not walking a path with a predetermined destination. And not knowing where I will end up or when and how I will get there, is perfectly acceptable to me.

I believe that I (and you…) just by being who we are, have the power to mind fuck the Universe somehow …in a butterfly effect kind of way. Maybe we don’t. Maybe we do. You are evidence that the Universe listens, and the answers are always made known to me, if I only pay attention and trust they will come. I needed to be reminded that there are others who are like me, who experience and understand life differently. I needed reassurance that I am not in danger of living superficially, that I can share a connection with others, and that they can share this same connection with me. There are people who get it…who get me….who can learn to deal with my world of colorful intensity. There are people who will not label me as crazy, as a way to give meaning to what they don’t understand. I crave a connection with someone on the same emotional wave length as me, and I share this kind of connection with you. I thank you for reassuring me of that. I needed to experience how it feels again.

You make perfect sense to me. I think you are amazing as you are now.

There is no fixing. There is only healing.

And that matters. It matters a lot.

For you, for this moment…

I am very grateful.

I gave a shout out to the Universe, and the Universe listened.

I believe that your story…

your life…

your journey…

will be one amazing adventure to me.

And that my story…

my life…

my journey…will be one amazing adventure to you.

~nj~