Despair.

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~Disconnection~

Sun Dec. 29th 3am

For this to happen, we must both abide by these rules. Trust me…it can be done no other way. We cannot email each other. We cannot call each other. We cannot text each other. We cannot message each other, unless…either one of us is willing to take whatever is on the other end.

Do not check up on me. Do not ask how I am. Do not ask how my day was. Do not send me quotes. I will do the same for you. I am leaving open the option of letters. I am not planning on writing any at the moment, but may. They are usually more well thought out.

Do not write me a goodbye. Do not write me to reminisce. Do not write me to announce a lover. Do not write me to lessen my pain. Do not write me to say what I taught you. Do not thank me. Do not write anything at all unless, you are willing to take what is on the other end. I will do the same for you.

Do not define me as your friend. Do not define any relationship between you and me. Do not define me at all. I will do the same for you. Do not come to me because you need me. Do not return to me because you are lonely, or want me to emotionally process the shit you don’t understand in your life…Unless you are willing to take whatever is on the other end.

Unless you really, really, really, need me, and understand the cost of what needing me means. I will do the same for you. Do not ask for my gift. Do not ask for my mind. Do not ask for me to release you. Do not ask for my forgiveness. Do not ask me to accept who I am to you.Do not ask me to accept who I am not to you. Do not ask me to accept anything at all. I will do the same for you.

Do not warn me. Do not preach to me. Do not condemn me. Do not praise me. Do not hate me. Do not judge me. Do not blame me. I will do the same for you.

Do not seek ways to gain power over me. Do not seek to discredit me. Do not seek comfort from me. Do not seek friendship from me. Do not seek your connection to me. Do not seek to hurt me. Do not seek to protect me. I will do the same for you.

Do not lie to me. Do not hide from me. Do not disrespect me. Do not feel sorry for me. Do not feel proud of me. I will do the same for you.

Do not use me. Do not think for me. Do not speak for me. Do not feel for me. Do not act for me. Do not choose for me. Do not fight for me. I will do the same for you.

Learn to live without me. Learn to be without me. Learn to think without me. Learn to choose without me. Learn to give without me.Learn to understand without me. Learn to love yourself without me. I will do the same for you.

If life without me becomes more of a burden than life with me…If love without me becomes more of a burden than love with me…If pain without me becomes more of a burden than pain with me…If joy without me becomes more of a burden than joy with me…If your journey without me becomes more of a burden than your journey with me…Be brave and show me. I will do the same for you.

I have never lost like this before. I have never let go like this before. I have never trusted like this before. I have never given like this before. I have never taken like this before. I have never loved like this before. I have never longed like this before. I have never believed like this before. I have never hurt like this before. I have never known what I now know. I have never seen as I now see. I have never felt how I now feel, and I am afraid.

You are worthy of my fear. Be truly brave for once in your life, and show me. I have no idea what I am doing here. I do not know what this will feel like to me. I do not know what this will be, or when it will be what it is to be, or if it is to be. I do not know what it is, what it was, or what it could be. I do not know a timeline. I do not know a way. I do not know a how. I do not know anything at all, other than I want you to become who you were meant to be, who The Universe meant you to be.

Make the freedom I am giving you a gift. Learn from it. Grow from it. Become who you are from it, with me, or without me.

Be free. I want for you what you want for yourself. I want for you even more, what The Universe wants for you.

Thank you for this gift of connection. In many ways it has healed me.You have given me far more than you will ever know.You are among the most amazing human beings that I have ever known.

May you come to believe in this for yourself someday. Who knows when and where our, and your adventure of connection with me will end.

Always remember this…

I see who you are, I know who you are, and I will always know this. I have always seen who you were, who you are, who you want to be, and who you have the capability to become. You are beautiful to me, and you are flawed to me. You are not as

And years ago, I would have been angry at you, I would have blamed you, I would have pulled out the classified files you willingly gave me in the filing cabinet of my mind, and destroyed you. And I could destroy you, you know I could, yet I choose not to destroy you, and that is the difference between you and me.

No one will ever gain access to the confidential information, in those confidential files, that you gave me, and out of respect, I have filed away forever in the filing cabinet in my head. And what is happening now, has 90% to do with you, and 10% to do with me.

created on your behalf over the years, in the filing cabinet of my mind, and destroyed you. Why? Because you are angry at me, you are blaming me, and you are not brave enough to realize, that this has 90% to do with you, and 10% to do with me.

It is so hard to have to let that go. Fuck!I hope its not forever.Life isn’t the same without you.I am blessed you shared your life with mine.I love you.Be free.Be happy ns. Do good things. Be a warrior. If I can help you, if you need me, be mindful of what you are asking. For if you ask, I will trust that you understand what asking me means. I would do anything for you.I will ask of you in the same way.I don’t want this email to be over…I will try my best.Get my life back. You do the same.Be brave.

~nj~

Be brave.

~nj~

Sun Dec. 29th 120pm

I still need to process this. The two things I know. Are that no matter how dark your path gets. I have seen you for who you are. And you are the only one who bears the power of self destruction. Live … live for your son. Live for those who need you … who will need you. Live for the day when the times of struggle will make the pleasures deeper.The rock I gave you was not a gift from me. It represents what I felt had been given to me by the creation. Indirectly the creator. Never think of it as a gift from me. But a gift from the mountains. The creation.My emotions are not normal. But know that if I can ever do more harm than good. If you ever feel that. I am here.▶ Show quoted text

Girls Like Me

Stay away
from girls like me
From love like me
From minds like me
From souls like me
Our intensity
Feeds your propensity
To crave our empathy
While destroying our identity
Clouding our clarity
Mocking our discrepancy
Exploiting our chemistry
Ruining our serenity
Sucking in our ecstasy
Disrespecting our destiny
Telling us we need therapy
For worldy priorities especially
We will “get it” eventually
If we’d swallow your remedy
If we’d cure our tendency
If we’d lose our affinity
If we’d ignore our legacy
And focus on our posterity
instead of on our charity
And why we love our enemy
You give us your world recipe
Threatening our sanity
Killing our reality
In the name of your morality
You cause the greatest tragegy
Create the deepest agony
And you have the audacity
To convince yourself of the fallacy
That girls like me
Who love like me
Girls like me
With minds like me
Girls like me
With souls like me
Actcually…
We dont need boys
like you

~Radio Tower Stories~

It’s like I’m a radio tower, standing tall in the middle of nowhere, surrounded by dust, and sagebrush, and tumbleweeds. It’s like they are behind the wheel of an old truck, paying more attention to turning the CB radio dial trying to find a signal, than to staying within the dusty borders of a seldom traveled road. Then suddenly, after what seems like countless hours of roaming from one end of the dial to the other, a signal with a voice saying “Hello…”, comes through loud and clear. You pick up your radio receiver, feeling relieved, ecstatic, and nervous all at the same time, and you speak “Can you hear me? Is there anybody there?” Yet you don’t wait to receive a response. There is no need to. You pause, and then you begin to tell me your story, vonnecting to signal, knowing you are being listened to.

What Happens When A Psychopath Doesn’t Get What He Wants

July 22, 12:25am

Goodnight.

July 24, 2017 10:59am
You took no time nor any love to respond to my text. I bared you my soul and you laughed at me and called me fake. You have not become an empath; and can not talk to dead people if your life depended on it. Stop deluding yourself and accept that u are a cold hearted and elfish human who uses people and feel special but for me you are common and average in looks and intelligence. I have another girlfriend now and she blows you away. I am done with you and will never text or call or think about your washed up old sea -hag lifestyle thinking about voices which can only be the medicated tweaker psychosis an alcohol which has pickled you mind and ruined anything that you have lived with state funded welfare checks because you drank and gave fetal alcohol and mental health issues. Ya hella great mom and girlfriend. Roll your truck off a cliff in a tweaking alcoholic binge. Lol. Ya u are watched by angel for sure. Your blocked and i will never let you see me or give you some dick cause i can’t trust you for not being infected with herpes and aids and hepatitis, and syphilis and just basic dumb ass low iq which i can catch from just letting you touch my shit. I’m in best shape and tattoo are fixed and i got the dates in every weekend without barely trying. Good luck with calling all ur exes and trying to desperately hook up with the scrubs who u date cause you a jail warrant and drama and a boring date with no body and old ass face and vodka breath and cigarettes breath that cost 150$ and only cause u live off henry and get fired for the drama and cheap affairs u have with scrubs that wash dishes and roof and work constructions for minimum wage. Btw you ain’t a counselor with a masters. You lie and pathologically lie. Lol. Its done and im destroying ur delusional mind and suggesting you drink the koolaid.

July 24, 2017 7:55pm
I actually do not hate you but resent you and think you are no good. You said i was your true love and yet cant text me or call me. Its fake and until you grow up and end up alone then maybe u might finally get you can’t use people and treat me like u did. I did nothing to deserve the cold shoulder. U said some mean things to me also so don’t play the victim. U haven’t said one single kind word and i have moved on and given up on you. Decided to empty your memories from my heart and was deceived and treated like shit. U owe me an apology but you won’t understand because i’m mean and you’re never mean. Im ignoring all your texts and if you grow up and decide to act like an adult then call me otherwise it’s not my job to remind you how cruel and thoughtless u were and i was the boy who loved you the most and u treat dogs and stray cats better than me. U dont know what love is and all u do is bash me and talk shit and i don’t even think about u because you never loved me and im doing good now. Your loss. Good luck with the scrubs whom are superficial and only use u and have none of my feelings which i had gor you but yada yada yada. Im finally over you and its easy when i realized u never cared at all and ur not loyal and you are a fair weathered freind with no genuine love but are a ridiculous mistake. Btw you could of still made up and said sorry and tell me u have something akin towards a friend for life but i cant take being ignored and im not a lame. Im a true 1% statistically real man with honor, love, and fun times but u go collect rocks and visit cemeteries and try to fake all the boys that u meet that you are solid and a good woman. Lol

July 24, 2017 9:49pm

I cannot read another text. Call me

July 24, 2017 9:52pm

Duh! I told u i was done woth you. Dumb as acdoor knob. Call orctext and ill place acrestraining order on youvand good luck with raising a guy who will dumpnubin a fewcweeks. Dont cry to me i have no love for women whom drink and cause fetal alchohol syndrom and roll cars and livebin a shit smelling dump so pussvoff. Im gone andvur worthless. Whole family is a packnof hypocrites and u lost and my girl blows u away. My mom thinks ur a dummy and you aint worth snother word. Yed

July 25, 2017 8:25am
Im sorry i treated u so badly. I wish u the best and woulda appreciated you telling me u had a boyfriend instead of stringing me along. It hurts to be kicked to the curb when i thought we were happy but its ok and im sorry i am mean but was extremely hurt. Ivwish i can get over you and will try to move on. I didn’t know u were miserable with me and I truly hope you have a nice life. Im sad as a motherfucker bit its my issue and i want you to be happy. I love you and will have a rough time but now i know u hate me and i will not contact u again. Don’t worry about me and im glad u have a man whom you love and wish u had left me alone after 7 years cause now im fucked up and can’t give u happiness likecinthought iwas doing. I miss what we had and am sooo fuckin sad its not fair how u dumped me and wouldn’t even tell me until you knew i was finished doing all the work. I did my best and thought you lived me but thanks for finally being honest. Maybe u should try to bs honest in future if your new boyfreind doesn’t work out. I was nicevto you and was not ever mean to you. But i guess this is over. I’ll expect to hear from you when u break up with him like you do with guys who are nice. If you ever want tontalk call me and i am still not over u and my new girlfreind is just physical and nothing of love so you r doing better than i am. Take care and don’t worry about it ok? I only needed to be told u are with a man and i will never bother u anymore

July 27, 9:52am

Hey! I feel terrible about being such a dick. I was just really hurt about you with another guy and lashed out in my anger. Im sorry. I know we are finished and only wanted to say i still love you and hope you are happy.

~You Will Still Be You~

~You Will Still Be You~

October 9, 2013 at 6:37am PDT

You are like

the person

who takes to

“information is power.”

to the fucking extreme

I have NEVER met

anybody like you .

Most people that

you try to

connect with…

will never even begin

to have the capacity

to use it against you…

the way you understand it can be.

And at the end of the day…

no matter what parts

of yourself

you share

with others…

You will still be you.

October 9, 2013 at 6:38am PDT

Somehow

you make it ok

for me

to share

myself

with you.

Wednesday, October 9, 2013 at 6:38am PDT

The abundance of the heart

– the why matters…

Why you share.

Why they listen.

It is like

the most

intimate form

of loyalty.

Sharing is kinda the same way.

Why is Nat sharing?

To get thru to somebody?

Because she wants

this person

to see her

see if they can

help heal her?

Because she

believes emotionally

bonding will heal

them both?

~I will not fit in your box~

image

THERE IS NO “BOX” TO PLACE ME IN…
ACCEPT THE CHALLENGE TO TRY.
I DARE YOU.
I WILL NEVER FIT INTO IT.
I WILL NEVER CONFORM.
NOT BECAUSE I AM DEFYING YOU…
OR DISRESPECTING YOU…
OR NOT TRYING TO…
BUT BECAUSE OF WHO I AM.
WHO I AM…
MEANS THAT I CANNOT…
BECAUSE I DO NOT KNOW HOW
TO BE ANYTHING OTHER THAN ME.
I WILL NEVER BE
WHO…
HOW…
WHAT…
YOU WANT ME TO BE.
WHO…
HOW…
WHAT…
YOU THINK I’M SUPPOSED TO BE.
WHO….
HOW…
WHAT…
YOU THINK I SHOULD BE.
I CAN ONLY BE ME.
I WILL LIKELY DISAPPOINT
AND EXCEED
YOUR EXPECTATIONS OF ME.
THESE ARE OFTEN YOUR OWN EXPECTATIONS..
AND NOT MY FAILURES,
NOT ALWAYS…
BUT SOMETIMES.
BECAUSE I FAIL.
I DISAPPOINT.
I CAN’T BE EVERYTHING TO EVERYBODY.
I WILL BE MISUNDERSTOOD.
I WILL BE INSPIRED.
I WILL BE FEARLESS.
I WILL BE VULNERABLE.
I WILL BE LOVING.
I WILL BE TRUE.
I WILL BE DEVOTED.
I WILL BE LOYAL.
I WILL BE THANKFUL.
I WILL BE ALL OF THIS…
AND MORE..
WHY?
BECAUSE WHO AM I?
I AM ME.
AND I SIMPLY DO NOT KNOW…
ANY OTHER WAY TO BE.
SO PLEASE JUST LOVE ME.
~nj~

~In The Beginning~

In The Beginning

You are right about how we must never elude, never be vague. That we must always be honest with each other. This means that we understand why it must be this way for both of us. I am not afraid of people walking out of my life, people usually do,. I am aware afraid of how those that do, may hurt me.

I believe if they do walk away, at whichever time they choose to do so, it is how it was always supposed to be., How it would have always been. It doesn’t mean that their absence won’t hurt me, because it very well may break my heart. But this is a risk I choose to take.

To me, when someone decides their part in my story, and my part in theirs is over…

the how, the when, and the why, are not the questions that matter to me. It doesn’t mean that I feel the same way or see things the same as they do, or that I will watch them walk away without putting up a fight, but what matters most to me is this…

No matter how I had hoped their part in my story would go, how I hoped it would be, or thought it may be, it is that at any given moment, I believe it is exactly how it was supposed to be. This is how the Universe intended it to be. This is how it should be. I  trust in that.

You are not a just a coincidence to me. No matter what I am or am not to you, I am thankful that I have come to believe there are no such things as coincidences.  I would feel the way if I shared only one day with you,  or if I we shared a lifetime.I would be blessed to have shared these moment with you. Moments that will always be among the most meaningful moments of my life.

I am uncertain why I feel this way about you. All I know is that at this moment, this place, this time, no matter whatever this is, or whatever it becomes, is how it is was always meant to be.

You must know that whatever I am or whatever I become to you, who I will be in your life, what part I will play in your story, how I will influence your journey, is something that only you have the power to decide.

You are the only one who can allow me in, or shut me out. Trust me on this.

Whatever you are or whatever you become to me, who you will be in my life, what part you will play in my story, how you will influence my journey, is something only I have the power to decide. I am the only one who can allow you in, or shut you out. Trust me on this.

We will never make the choice for the other.

I ask that you not be guided by a fear of if or how you may hurt me. My reactions are beyond your control, and you do not have the power to create or change them. No matter how much you want or how much you try to do so. I ask that you not allow fear to determine how you engage with me. I will always be ok, and I know you will too.

I am someone who has learned to feel safe in uncertainty, fear, and chaos. I let go of being tied to outcomes and expectations, let go of being tied to destinations, and I have learned how to navigate my journey without being dependent on a map.

I believe that if my intent is as it should be, if my heart is where it should be, if I remain mindful of the moral code I have created for myself and honor it, if I am aware of my own “truths,” and remain mindful that my “truths” are not the “truths” of others…that wherever I go, wherever I end up, whatever the outcome of my journey may be…I am where I was always meant to be.

I do not believe my fate or destiny is in the hands of anyone else. We can change the direction of our path at any time. We are not walking a path with a predetermined destination. And not knowing where I will end up or when and how I will get there, is perfectly acceptable to me.

I believe that I (and you…) just by being who we are, have the power to mind fuck the Universe somehow …in a butterfly effect kind of way. Maybe we don’t. Maybe we do. You are evidence that the Universe listens, and the answers are always made known to me, if I only pay attention and trust they will come. I needed to be reminded that there are others who are like me, who experience and understand life differently. I needed reassurance that I am not in danger of living superficially, that I can share a connection with others, and that they can share this same connection with me. There are people who get it…who get me….who can learn to deal with my world of colorful intensity. There are people who will not label me as crazy, as a way to give meaning to what they don’t understand. I crave a connection with someone on the same emotional wave length as me, and I share this kind of connection with you. I thank you for reassuring me of that. I needed to experience how it feels again.

You make perfect sense to me. I think you are amazing as you are now.

There is no fixing. There is only healing.

And that matters. It matters a lot.

For you, for this moment…

I am very grateful.

I gave a shout out to the Universe, and the Universe listened.

I believe that your story…

your life…

your journey…

will be one amazing adventure to me.

And that my story…

my life…

my journey…will be one amazing adventure to you.

~nj~