~I will not fit in your box~

image

THERE IS NO “BOX” TO PLACE ME IN…
ACCEPT THE CHALLENGE TO TRY.
I DARE YOU.
I WILL NEVER FIT INTO IT.
I WILL NEVER CONFORM.
NOT BECAUSE I AM DEFYING YOU…
OR DISRESPECTING YOU…
OR NOT TRYING TO…
BUT BECAUSE OF WHO I AM.
WHO I AM…
MEANS THAT I CANNOT…
BECAUSE I DO NOT KNOW HOW
TO BE ANYTHING OTHER THAN ME.
I WILL NEVER BE
WHO…
HOW…
WHAT…
YOU WANT ME TO BE.
WHO…
HOW…
WHAT…
YOU THINK I’M SUPPOSED TO BE.
WHO….
HOW…
WHAT…
YOU THINK I SHOULD BE.
I CAN ONLY BE ME.
I WILL LIKELY DISAPPOINT
AND EXCEED
YOUR EXPECTATIONS OF ME.
THESE ARE OFTEN YOUR OWN EXPECTATIONS..
AND NOT MY FAILURES,
NOT ALWAYS…
BUT SOMETIMES.
BECAUSE I FAIL.
I DISAPPOINT.
I CAN’T BE EVERYTHING TO EVERYBODY.
I WILL BE MISUNDERSTOOD.
I WILL BE INSPIRED.
I WILL BE FEARLESS.
I WILL BE VULNERABLE.
I WILL BE LOVING.
I WILL BE TRUE.
I WILL BE DEVOTED.
I WILL BE LOYAL.
I WILL BE THANKFUL.
I WILL BE ALL OF THIS…
AND MORE..
WHY?
BECAUSE WHO AM I?
I AM ME.
AND I SIMPLY DO NOT KNOW…
ANY OTHER WAY TO BE.
SO PLEASE JUST LOVE ME.
~nj~

~In The Beginning~

In The Beginning

You are right about how we must never elude, never be vague. That we must always be honest with each other. This means that we understand why it must be this way for both of us. I am not afraid of people walking out of my life, people usually do,. I am aware afraid of how those that do, may hurt me.

I believe if they do walk away, at whichever time they choose to do so, it is how it was always supposed to be., How it would have always been. It doesn’t mean that their absence won’t hurt me, because it very well may break my heart. But this is a risk I choose to take.

To me, when someone decides their part in my story, and my part in theirs is over…

the how, the when, and the why, are not the questions that matter to me. It doesn’t mean that I feel the same way or see things the same as they do, or that I will watch them walk away without putting up a fight, but what matters most to me is this…

No matter how I had hoped their part in my story would go, how I hoped it would be, or thought it may be, it is that at any given moment, I believe it is exactly how it was supposed to be. This is how the Universe intended it to be. This is how it should be. I  trust in that.

You are not a just a coincidence to me. No matter what I am or am not to you, I am thankful that I have come to believe there are no such things as coincidences.  I would feel the way if I shared only one day with you,  or if I we shared a lifetime.I would be blessed to have shared these moment with you. Moments that will always be among the most meaningful moments of my life.

I am uncertain why I feel this way about you. All I know is that at this moment, this place, this time, no matter whatever this is, or whatever it becomes, is how it is was always meant to be.

You must know that whatever I am or whatever I become to you, who I will be in your life, what part I will play in your story, how I will influence your journey, is something that only you have the power to decide.

You are the only one who can allow me in, or shut me out. Trust me on this.

Whatever you are or whatever you become to me, who you will be in my life, what part you will play in my story, how you will influence my journey, is something only I have the power to decide. I am the only one who can allow you in, or shut you out. Trust me on this.

We will never make the choice for the other.

I ask that you not be guided by a fear of if or how you may hurt me. My reactions are beyond your control, and you do not have the power to create or change them. No matter how much you want or how much you try to do so. I ask that you not allow fear to determine how you engage with me. I will always be ok, and I know you will too.

I am someone who has learned to feel safe in uncertainty, fear, and chaos. I let go of being tied to outcomes and expectations, let go of being tied to destinations, and I have learned how to navigate my journey without being dependent on a map.

I believe that if my intent is as it should be, if my heart is where it should be, if I remain mindful of the moral code I have created for myself and honor it, if I am aware of my own “truths,” and remain mindful that my “truths” are not the “truths” of others…that wherever I go, wherever I end up, whatever the outcome of my journey may be…I am where I was always meant to be.

I do not believe my fate or destiny is in the hands of anyone else. We can change the direction of our path at any time. We are not walking a path with a predetermined destination. And not knowing where I will end up or when and how I will get there, is perfectly acceptable to me.

I believe that I (and you…) just by being who we are, have the power to mind fuck the Universe somehow …in a butterfly effect kind of way. Maybe we don’t. Maybe we do. You are evidence that the Universe listens, and the answers are always made known to me, if I only pay attention and trust they will come. I needed to be reminded that there are others who are like me, who experience and understand life differently. I needed reassurance that I am not in danger of living superficially, that I can share a connection with others, and that they can share this same connection with me. There are people who get it…who get me….who can learn to deal with my world of colorful intensity. There are people who will not label me as crazy, as a way to give meaning to what they don’t understand. I crave a connection with someone on the same emotional wave length as me, and I share this kind of connection with you. I thank you for reassuring me of that. I needed to experience how it feels again.

You make perfect sense to me. I think you are amazing as you are now.

There is no fixing. There is only healing.

And that matters. It matters a lot.

For you, for this moment…

I am very grateful.

I gave a shout out to the Universe, and the Universe listened.

I believe that your story…

your life…

your journey…

will be one amazing adventure to me.

And that my story…

my life…

my journey…will be one amazing adventure to you.

~nj~

~My Story~

I remember the overwhelming waves of emotions that I felt rushing in on me, the first time I chose to share my story with someone I had trusted enough to listen. Sharing my story has been bittersweet. I have never openly shared my story with anyone, and it is a story, that I am not sure  I will ever choose to fully share again. Living through something like what I lived through, changes who you are, and it changes how others think of you in many ways. Nearly everyone who is anyone in your life, will at some point, distance themselves to avoid sharing in the pain of your experience, and end, you find yourself alone, in the most terrifying and utterly isolating space that you could have possibly imagined. And you sit with it. And you allow yourself to experience what this kind of pain feels like. And you do this alone…because the only person you can truly count on to heal from something like this, the only person you can truly count on to move on from something like this, is you. People will forget your story, they always do, and eventually people move on, and life goes on, and you are expected to move on and go on too. And you have to…but you will never forget that moment when for the very first time, what you had lived through, what you had endured, what you had walked away from, and what you left behind, made you brave in the eyes of another. If you say you will listen, you must also prepare yourself for what you will hear, and I am not sure that anyone can ever really prepare themselves for something like that. Trust me.

~This is My Story~
POSTED ON MARCH 24, 2014

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 3:10pm PDT
I don’t think you understand. You HAVE helped release me. It isn’t because of why you think. I will not let her or him be part of my definition. I decided that. I didn’t know how to let go of her emotionally
It was something beyond my control. You helped me with that the first night … or second or some point.
I seriously did not. I DID decide in all of this – that if I ever have a woman. I want one who can have my back.
She did not. I don’t know what your opinions are of her.
I have something to say.
You said you stayed with your J for a year…while you built his case. That was fucking bad ass.
You have NO IDEA how much respect that earns from me.
Monday, September 23, 2013 at 3:21pm PDT
And he did horrific things to me
Monday, September 23, 2013 at 3:21pm PDT
I do not know what went on in your relationship. I will not ask. I can feel it coming off of you.
I can feel it radiating.
And you knew … you KNEW exactly what you were doing. You knew what you had to go thru to protect the innocent that you loved.
And that was it – you had to suffer.
You had to give pieces of yourself away.
Pieces that you probably wonder if they’ll come back … or have wondered that.
Monday, September 23, 2013 at 3:23pm PDT
I almost had nothing left.
Monday, September 23, 2013 at 3:23pm PDT
If my burdens were the size of pebbles
Yours would be boulders.
I don’t understand … I don’t.
I can relate some.
A little.
But I can’t fathom it…
only to say I see you.
I think I do.
Sometimes it helps just to be seen.
Monday, September 23, 2013 at 3:26pm PDT
And I said nothing in detail to anyone.
No one even knew the horrors of the last year with him.
Then I called who mattered the day he left and told them.
Monday, September 23, 2013 at 3:26pm PDT
Which was?
Monday, September 23, 2013 at 3:27pm PDT
J is gone.
Monday, September 23, 2013 at 4:20pm PDT
But I want you to know…
I’m here to listen if you ever want to talk.
And even if you felt like it was destroying your self esteem at the time
Monday, September 23, 2013 at 4:20pm PDT
It wasn’t though.
I will tell you whatever you ask…
or if I want you to know.
Monday, September 23, 2013 at 4:21pm PDT
I know…
but I want to know…
only what you want me to.
Even if it destroyed parts of you…
parts that you never think you’ll get back.
Even if you never do get them back.
Even if it’s morphed you into another person.
It was badass.
It was jumping on the grenade.
Makes me proud to be human.
Monday, September 23, 2013 at 4:21pm PDT
Trauma changes you
And I always knew I could pull it off
And I stopped talking about it…
when I started to understand that the horrific trauma I went through…
the violation that was upon me…
and the reasons I did what i did…
and why J and his family may be the proof of pure evil on earth…
was fucking too crazy…
too intense…
to painful…
to heavy for anyone to deal with.
A few people know some…
but no one knows all.
And then people kind of just left.
And I knew why.
And I wasn’t angry that it was too painful just to be connected to me at all.
Animals and rescue showed me who I was and who I could become.
That’s part of my life you don’t know about yet.
I have pulled off some kick ass fuck you for fucking with animals undercover rescue operations..
…and it pretty awesome.
And animals are innocent and I am a fighter for them.
Monday, September 23, 2013 at 4:30pm PDT
There is no doubt in my mind.
I know it may not mean anything to you….
You go thru some of that
and how others see you means nothing anymore.
Monday, September 23, 2013 at 4:30pm PDT
Through what?
Monday, September 23, 2013 at 4:31pm PDT
Your trauma.
But from my vantage point.
You are not just badass.
You are not just determined.
Or brave or whatever. You are a hero.
Monday, September 23, 2013 at 4:32pm PDT
I don’t think that it is heroic…its badass fucking awesome and fearless..but not heroic
Monday, September 23, 2013 at 4:32pm PDT
So … take it, leave it, it is what it is.
I think I could handle your truths.
And not because I’ve lived it … I haven’t.
So I can’t fully relate.
But I can always listen.
You stuck up for your kid and gave pieces of yourself away.
Monday, September 23, 2013 at 4:32pm PDT
And I never fuck with anyone unless I should
Monday, September 23, 2013 at 4:32pm PDT
I do not know how it gets more heroic.
I am not talking about fucking with him.
I am talking about staying in the situation and letting him destroy you
So you could take care of your son.
Maybe you let your hate drive you
But you were not being dominated by it …
you were being dominated by love.
You know my favorite definition for love?
Even though I find it a pain in the ass the way it’s used….
Monday, September 23, 2013 at 4:33pm PDT
Trauma like that fucks your world up.
And I sense evil  as soon as I see it…I swear.
It shatters everything you knew
To think evil exists in those most never even suspect…
Monday, September 23, 2013 at 4:33pm PDT
My favorite definition.
Is ironically in the bible.
I’m not a good Christian
But this is still my favorite definition.
It is the most clear for me.
“Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends.”
It is giving yourself away for others.
You did that.
You let your ex traumatize you.
You let your hate take over.
You knew what you were doing.
I know … I know that.
I do know that.
Monday, September 23, 2013 at 4:36pm PDT
It was for self preservation is what is was.
If I didn’t do it…
I would be done
Monday, September 23, 2013 at 4:36pm PDT
Nope. It wasn’t.
It was for your son.
Self preservation would have just got you  out.
Self preservation doesn’t plot like you did.
Monday, September 23, 2013 at 4:37pm PDT
If I survived it…
I may somehow be ok.
If I allowed them to destroy me…
Who would protect my son?
That’s it.
And survival mode was the easy part
I am gifted in a crisis
Find calm in chaos…by brain actually slows down
Monday, September 23, 2013 at 4:37pm PDT
Yes..
Like I said ….
You jumped on the grenade.
Anyway – I wanted to tell you what I think about you.
Monday, September 23, 2013 at 4:37pm PDT
Thank you. You are the only person who has voiced this to me.
You have no idea how much hearing these words from you…
Has healed me.
~nj

An Open Letter:

An Open Letter: 

I feel compelled to offer a prayer to all other humans, conscious and incarnate today.  

I cannot believe Donald Trump is a candidate for President of the United States. For years, the Republican Party has catered to the extreme right – the sexist, racist, homophobic, transphobic and xenophobic underbelly of America in order to win votes and secure a coalition of what I’ve heard called “the selfish and the self righteous.”  This is the cost of catering to those beliefs.  Donald Trump is the price and I hope not all of us have to pay it.   It’s ok to be fiscally conservative, and believe the government should play a limited role in your life.  We should debate the scope of the Federal government; how we manage our insurance benefits; our tax rates and state autonomy.   We can even argue how we deliver socio-economic justice – private vs public – but never that we should!  We should NOT debate issues of equal protection under the law and basic standards of decency.   We should not even consider, as a species, electing a man who was caught saying he grabs women by their $&$$&- (I can’t even type it.). We’ve lost our way, and we are in need of leaders who show us what is acceptable, not a leader who demeans, who in unkind, and who angrily points his finger, acting the victim in narcissistic rage.   

Today, I close my eyes in silent reverie, offering my trust and faith to the good people of America to make the right choice, no matter how frustrated they may be with the system.  We must not give up on it.  We must not stop believing it can work.   We can’t elect Trump as a simple, horrible solution to complex problems.  America is already great. 

We can evolve, we can rule ourselves, and when given the opportunity, everyone can rise.  We are equal citizens of this Universe, and though the system is not perfect, it can be and it is our responsibility to make it.  For our future as a species, I pray today we choose love.  I’m with Her.

Lord, make me an instrument of thy peace.
Where there is hatred, let me sow love;
Where there is injury, pardon;
Where there is doubt, faith;
Where there is despair, hope;
Where there is darkness, light;
Where there is sadness, joy.

O Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek
To be consoled as to console,
To be understood as to understand,
To be loved as to love;
For it is in giving that we receive;
It is in pardoning that we are pardoned;
It is in dying to self that we are born to eternal life.

Jen Jensen

~I Have Nothing Left to Offer You~

Sunday, December 15, 2013 at 10:18pm MST
I KNEW. I FUCKING knew.
I should have set boundaries for myself before washing ton.
Next time a chick tells me to just let things happen I’m going with my gut *grumbles*
I hate that I hurt you.
You have given me so much. And I’ll be here for you. Like Luke.

Sunday, December 15, 2013 at 10:21pm MST
Please stop

Sunday, December 15, 2013 at 10:23pm MST
Ok. I’m sorry. I WANT to be here for you if I can cause more good than harm when you need me. Because one day we’ll fight monsters together.

Sunday, December 15, 2013 at 10:23pm MST
Next time a guy says you can fall apart and be vulnerable, I’m going with my gut. I hate that I trusted you. Leave me alone for now. You make me feel like a charity case so just stop.
The best gift I can give you is to set you free. So I give it to you.
Let me fall apart alone. I should have known better than to try and do it any other way.
Stop.
Just stop.
Stop.

Sunday, December 15, 2013 at 10:28pm MST
No. Not if you are going to try to get the last word. Let me try to explain this to you.

Sunday, December 15, 2013 at 10:29pm MST
THERE IS NOTHING LEFT TO SAY

Sunday, December 15, 2013 at 10:29pm MST
Sorry I hurt you.
You have given me so much

Sunday, December 15, 2013 at 10:29pm MST
I want you in my corner

Sunday, December 15, 2013 at 10:29pm MST
I cannot. I CANNOT be an emotional rock to a romantic interest. It is impossible. That is the one person in the world

Sunday, December 15, 2013 at 10:29pm MST
STOOOOPPPPPPP

Sunday, December 15, 2013 at 10:31pm MST
*grumbles*

Sunday, December 15, 2013 at 10:31pm MST
You validate everything I already feared was true about myself.

Sunday, December 15, 2013 at 10:31pm MST
What?

Sunday, December 15, 2013 at 10:31pm MST
So be free of me.

Sunday, December 15, 2013 at 10:32pm MST
Romantic lyrics I am. The other ways I’m not unless you insist I be.

Sunday, December 15, 2013 at 10:32pm MST
I have nothing left to offer you.

Sunday, December 15, 2013 at 10:32pm MST
Romanticly
That is complete bs

Sunday, December 15, 2013 at 10:33pm MST
I don’t know what romantic lyrics are

Sunday, December 15, 2013 at 10:33pm MST
Romanticly*
That is the one spot in my life where I cannot offer stability. It is the chink in my armor.

Sunday, December 15, 2013 at 10:34pm MST
I have nothing left to offer you.

Sunday, December 15, 2013 at 10:35pm MST
I will not put you in that position. And if you have been has been any body’s guess.

Sunday, December 15, 2013 at 10:35pm MST
Let me be

Sunday, December 15, 2013 at 10:35pm MST
That is complete and utter bs.
I’m sorry. We see things differently … remember what you tell yourself is not always the way it is. I’m here if you decide I can do more good than damage.

Sunday, December 15, 2013 at 10:55pm MST
I have nothing to offer you. Or anyone else. I am reminded of just how emotionally fucked up I am. I am too damaged. I understand. It is no one else’s load to carry but my own.

~Dear D…~

Dear D….

I have set out to write this letter, or a letter of a similar purpose, quite a few times over the last several months, but I could never seem to get the courage to actually sit down and do so. Writing is both liberating and terrifying to me, but if there is one occasion for which a return to writing is justified, it is this birthday letter to you.

I never thought I would be writing something like this to you when I saw you get out of your car on that October evening, the night my car broke down and I called to tell you I probably wasn’t going to make our date that night. I felt at the time that my call resulted in a roll of your eyes and an annoyance in your day, and when you called me to ask if I needed you to help me, I sensed that it felt more of an obligation to you than anything else. I have come to learn since that time, that this sense of obligation, this sense of loyalty to a certain code of conduct, or a certain kind of people or specific person, is both your greatest blessing and your greatest curse. I have come to learn how this loyalty of yours has been taken advantage of, has not been appreciated, and has caused you great heartache in your relationship with others. Yet this loyalty is what makes you who you are, it is your belief system, and it is something that I find to be one of the most beautiful things about you and how you conduct yourself. There are very few truly loyal people in this world, and I believe that you are one of them, and I hope you never lose this gift which makes you who you are.

You are truly one of the most brilliant minds I have ever known, and brilliant in a way that is so different than kind of brilliance my mind operates on, which makes how you think and understand the world, even more fascinating to me. I can literally feel when the gears in that mind of yours begin to tick, and I love watching the process of how you think, how ideas come to you, and how you find solutions to things that other people think don’t make sense. You are literal, methodical, and it is truly awe inspiring for me to listen and watch how your mind works. I love it and respect it immensely.

I love how sensitive you are, and the amount of effort you put into convincing yourself and others that you are not. You feel things very deeply, and feelings are not something your mind is comfortable trying to understand, so you dismiss things, you downplay things, you change subjects on things, you do anything you can to stop your mind from going there, because you fear what you feel and yet cannot understand. This is part of human nature, but to you, this is what has kept you emotionally safe, has kept your walls up, has allowed you to move on thinking feelings are not to be believed, or trusted, they are to be tested to determine if they are true. I believe this is an excuse for you not to feel, or not to show how you feel, and I often feel like holding and comforting this vulnerable part of you, but you very rarely allow me, and I very rarely dare to push. Yet, it is my nature to be curious about human nature, and I will always push you…just enough.

Thank you for being so good to me.

Thank you for being so good for me.

Thank you for being such a good man.

I adore you.

~The Job That Changed My Life~

October 7, 2014

Hello!

I recently returned to my hometown of Ogden, after living in Seattle for the last 8 years. I making a fresh start here in Utah, raising my 3 year old Autistic son with the support of my family and friends here at home.

After finishing graduate school, I spent most of my career working in crisis response and intervention services. My brain is wired for multitasking and working well under pressure. I have a knack for remaining detail oriented under stressful circumstances, and am able to retain large amounts of information which needs to be recalled in split second time. Keeping up and performing well in a fast paced work environment, is what I do best.

I decided to take a leap of faith last fall, and walked away from the security of the kind of work I had done my entire professional life. I did this knowing that my talents and skills would create new opportunities, if I dared to take a risk and be open to whatever life had in store for me. I wanted to do something different. Honoring that was the best decision that I have ever made.

For the last year, my son, my cat, my dog, and I have been roadtripping around the country, and I have been writing about our adventures and all of the amazing people and places we were able to meet and see along the way. We returned to Utah in August, and I found a job (where I currently work part time) working with a local urban farmer harvesting and selling produce, and creating a new marketing campaign for his small urban farm business. I love photography, am fascinated at finding ways to use social media for small business and non profit advertising, and I wanted to learn how urban farms work and continue learning how to create successful marketing campaigns.

Without a strong sense of passion, my life would have no purpose. Passion fuels everything that I do. It sparks my creativity, gives me courage to take  leaps of faith, and allows me to continue discovering new things, new places, and new opportunities in my life. I am drawn to others who share this sense of passion and purpose, and reading your job posting ad, my sense is that you are someone who has this kind of passion for life and work to.

Coffee? Where do I even begin! Every morning for 8 years, my dog and I ventured out onto Broadway Avenue, a block away from our apartment in the Seattle neighborhood of Capitol Hill for the most perfectly roasted, brewed, or pressed cup of coffee. Vivace, Roy Street Coffee, and Dillenttante, were a few of our favorites, and we repeated this ritual sometimes several times in a day.

I take my coffee black with light ice (to cool it off), so the quality of my cup is of paramount importance to me. I have always wanted to work as a Barista in a local coffee shop. To work with people who share my passion for coffee, to offer my talents and skills to help this coffee passion turn into profit, to grow within a group of people who have the entrepreneurial and visionary spirit that small business owners so often do…

Well I can honestly think of nothing more lovely and exciting than that.

Thanks!
~nj~

~BE THE HERO IN YOUR OWN STORY~

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 3:10pm PDT
argggg – please don’t leave.
I don’t think you understand. You HAVE helped release me. It isn’t because of why you think. I will not let her or him be part of my definition. I decided that. I didn’t know how to let go of her emotionally
It was something beyond my control. You helped me with that the first night … or second or some point.
I seriously did not. I DID decide in all of this – that if I ever have a woman. I want one who can have my back.
She did not. I don’t know what your opinions are of her.
I have something to say.
You said you stayed with your James for a year…while you built his case. That was fucking bad ass.
You have NO IDEA how much respect that earns from me.

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 3:21pm PDT
And he did horrific things to me

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 3:21pm PDT
I do not know what went on in your relationship. I will not ask. I can feel it coming off of you.
I can feel it radiating.
And you knew … you KNEW exactly what you were doing. You knew what you had to go thru to protect the innocent that you loved.
And that was it – you had to suffer.
You had to give pieces of yourself
away. Pieces that you probably wonder if they’ll come back … or have wondered that.

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 3:23pm PDT
I almost had nothing left

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 3:23pm PDT
If my burdens were the size of pebbles
Yours would be boulders.
I don’t understand … I don’t.
I can relate some.
A little.
But I can’t fathom it…
only to say I see you.
I think I do.
Sometimes it helps just to be seen.

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 3:26pm PDT
And I said nothing in detail to anyone.
No one even knew the horrors of the last year with him.
Then I called who mattered the day he left and told them.

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 3:26pm PDT
Which was?

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 3:27pm PDT
James is gone.

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 4:20pm PDT
But I want you to know…
I’m here to listen if you ever want to talk.
And even if you felt like it was destroying your self esteem at the time

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 4:20pm PDT
It wasn’t though.
I will tell you whatever you ask…
or if I want you to know.

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 4:21pm PDT
I know…
but I want to know…
only what you want me to.
Even if it destroyed parts of you…
parts that you never think you’ll get back.
Even if you never do get them back.
Even if it’s morphed you into another person.
It was badass.
It was jumping on the grenade.
Makes me proud to be human.

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 4:21pm PDT
Trauma changes you
And I always knew I could pull it off
And I stopped talking about it…
when I started to understand that the horrific trauma I went through…
the violation that was upon me…
and the reasons I did what i did…
and why james and his family may be the proof of pure evil on earth…
was fucking too crazy…
too intense…
to painful…
to heavy for anyone to deal with.
My mom knows the some..and she doesn’t know alot
And then people kind of just left.
And I knew why.
And I wasn’t angry that it was too painful just to be connected to me at all.
Animals and rescue showed me who I was and who I could become.
That’s part of my life you don’t know about yet.
I have pulled off some kick ass fuck you undercover rescue operations..
and it pretty awesome.
And animals are innocent and I am a fighter for them.

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 4:30pm PDT
There is no doubt in my mind.
I know it may not mean anything to you….
You go thru some of that
and how others see you means nothing anymore.

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 4:30pm PDT
Through what?

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 4:31pm PDT
Your trauma.
But from my vantage point.
You are not just badass.
You are not just determined.
Or brave or whatever. You are a hero.

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 4:32pm PDT
I don’t think that it is heroic…its badass fucking awesome and fearless..but not heroic

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 4:32pm PDT
So … take it, leave it, it is what it is.
I think I could handle your truths.
And not because I’ve lived it … I haven’t.
So I can’t fully relate.
But I can always listen.
You stuck up for your kid and gave pieces of yourself away.

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 4:32pm PDT
And I never fuck with anyone unless I should

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 4:32pm PDT
I do not know how it gets more heroic.
I am not talking about fucking with him.
I am talking about staying in the situation and letting him destroy you
So you could take care of your son.
Maybe you let your hate drive you
But you were not being dominated by it …
you were being dominated by love.
You know my favorite definition for love?
Even though I find it a pain in the ass the way it’s used….

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 4:33pm PDT
Trauma fucks your world up.
And I sense evil  as soon as I see it…I swear.
It shatters everything you knew
To think evil exists in those most never even suspect…

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 4:33pm PDT
My favorite definition.
Is ironically in the bible.
I’m not a good Christian
But this is still my favorite definition.
It is the most clear for me.
“Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends.”
It is giving yourself away for others.
You did that.
You let your ex traumatize you.
You let your hate take over
You knew what you were doing.
I know … I know that.
I do know that.

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 4:36pm PDT
It was for self preservation is what is was.
If I didn’t do it…
I would be done

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 4:36pm PDT
Nope. It wasn’t.
It was for your son.
Self preservation would have just got you  out.
Self preservation doesn’t plot like you did.

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 4:37pm PDT
If I survived it…
I may somehow be ok.
If I allowed them to destroy me…
Who would protect my son?
That’s it
And survival mode was the easy part
I am gifted in a crisis
Find calm in chaos…by brain actually slows down

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 4:37pm PDT
Yes..
Like I said ….
You jumped on the grenade.
Anyway – I wanted to tell you what I think about you.

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 4:37pm PDT
Thank you. You are the only person who has voiced this to me.
You have no idea how much hearing this from you…
Has healed me.

~COLOR MEETS GREY SCALE~

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 10:27am PDT
But whatever. I like to divide colors and classify

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 10:28am PDT
You realize that how you think I see you is how you see yourself

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 10:28am PDT
To an extent
it’s either that

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 10:28am PDT
Or how you fear being seen

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 10:28am PDT
or that what you say hits me differently than how you mean it.

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 10:28am PDT
And you are none of those things

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 10:28am PDT
that we have communication problems.
Hmmmm … You are right. I am afraid of being seen as a coward.
But I HAVE been seen as that … for the last two and a half years.

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 10:29am PDT
We communicate magically

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 10:29am PDT
So I must face that I let myself do that.

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 10:29am PDT
And stop thinking I see you that way

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 10:29am PDT
Not completely seen that way…
probably not seen that way by others but I see that about me. I need to accept it decide what needs to change and move on.

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 10:29am PDT
We speak 2 different languages and we find a way to understand

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 10:29am PDT
lol yes
I have tinted my rainbow with colors
yours has been tinted w grayscale.