~Help Me Lord~

Help me lord
Love him

As he is

All of him
In his dark
Light the spark
Of insight
In his night
Of darkness
Regardless
Of how he sees
Please
Guide me
On how to be
What he needs
Without misleading
As I’m reading
His way
His resume
I understand
The wasteland
You may create
Out of hate

Because of love

In terms of
What you fear
You preserve
Because of fear
You engineer
Tacticts
Semantics
Machanics
And practice
The madness
Of sadness
To deny
And justify
The clarify
Of your goodbye.

~nj

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~Sidelined~

Sidelined
So you may shine
Brightly
Lightly
Stepping in
The spot light
Awakening
From the dark night
Or so you think
As you drink
From the flask
Behind the mask
Of ego
I am incognito
Watching you
Through and through
As you climb
This paradigm
Of powerless power
In a towerless tower
Hour by hour
The higher you go
Hour by hour
The lesser you know
And yet I allow
This now
Somehow
For when towers crumble
And egos humble
And you are falling
I’ll hear you calling
Catch me
Hold me
Love me
Please?
And I’ll reply
To clarify
Until there is no tower
You will have no power
And that is why
I feed your lie
Everytime you cower
Upon destruction of your tower.
One day
May you say
You are my power
And in that hour
May you see
You are me
We are we
And that is all
BeIsBe.

~Black Coffee~

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 10:35am PDT
you drink black coffee?

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 10:36am PDT
That’s what the world looks like when you can’t see the color..I love it

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 10:36am PDT
Yes … but you also understand

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 10:36am PDT
No matter how terrible the truth is – you refuse to settle for less

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 10:36am PDT
just because you need it.

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 10:37am PDT
There are colors … usually the colors I love most people kinda find terrifying or tragic.

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 10:37am PDT
Yes.
Completely.
Why is your truth so terrible?

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 10:37am PDT
It is not terrible.
Actually it is.
People around suffering every day.
Living in the hells they build.
Or they are so shallow they are almost not human

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 10:39am PDT
And you choose that to be your truth?

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 10:39am PDT
That poem was written a long time ago..
Like years and it had to do with people who were fakes…
and shallow … who chose to be shallow because they were afraid.

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 10:39am PDT
My truth could be terrible too.

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 10:39am
It is not my truth.
It is part … a part
of the truth.

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 10:40am PDT
Kind of.
I see those same people
And they look differently to me.

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 10:40am PDT
How so?

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 10:42am PDT
My complete life fuck  from james taught me something.
First of all…I realized that some people do not have the ability to be any other way.
They lack the courage…
To have the insight and self awareness…
To find out who they are and love whoever they find.
Many never learned.
Or the damage was so severe something was taken away…
James does not comprehend how horrific he was to me and my son. And he is so damaged that he must create a false self…be fake..because he hates himself so much…its the only way he can face the world.

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 10:47am PDT
Yes. People do the damage to themselves.

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 10:48am PDT
That’s narcissism.
And who do narcissists, people like james hate most?

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 10:48am PDT
Same people he hates.
People who love who they are.
Understand and love. Because …. they can never have that.
Because they hate themselves and keep trying to ice it over. Those people bother me less. Because they’ve given into it. They decided to be cowards. Over and over again.
They destroy, and I mean DESTROY others.
Like you … like her – the exploit weakness
Molest their kids.
Leave their children. Self destruct.

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 10:51am PDT
He is a narcissist.

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 10:51
Leave wakes of pain in their paths that are so vast…
So vast that…they destroy the innocent.

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 10:51am PDT
And you are totally right.
They use sex to dominate and control and destroy
the innocent.
They are so fucked up…its the only way they can feel powerful.

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 10:51am PDT
Some don’t decide.

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 10:51am PDT
They screw people for life.
And it goes on and on and on.

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 10:51am PDT
Yes

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 10:53am PDT
Which is  status update is “Sometimes you have to put the feelings for yourself aside for others…”

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 10:53am PDT
Know why he wrote that?

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 10:54am PDT
It’s something shallow I promise you.
He lacks the capacity to sacrifice for others.
And in his utter selfishness there is utter destruction.

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 10:54am PDT
It’s not an identity crisis.
He doesn’t care.
And I promise you this…
And why do you choose to have this with you…

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 10:56am PDT
Have what with me?

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 10:56am PDT
You get so angry….and I get that it’s fucking fucked up and should make you that way…but
You are allowing what you cannot control to control you.

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 10:58am PDT
I think it’s because I’m coming off a god complex. I both have my reality of the way things are. And how little I can do to change them. And a deep seated desire … and burning to do so. It’s a frustration with myself. And the world. I am slowly learning to accept.

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 10:59am PDT
My opinion…

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 11:00am PDT
It’s the same with D.
Either a frustration or a sadness.

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 11:00am PDT
Thing is…
Fighting anger with anger makes everything you hate…worse.
Fire needs fuel.
And letting go of the anger
Gives you the power to get even.
And not in a pay back personal revenge way
James and his mother were my him.
And destroying their became my obsession
It had to be that way…because if I did not find a way to destroy them…it would have destroyed me
And the one thing that narcissists fear….and why what I did will make them fear me more than anyone else?
Being exposed to the world for the nasty ass worthless fuckers they are…and they know they are…and they create a false self to make sure no one will ever know
His status?

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 11:13am PDT
Yes.
Your situation was different.

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 11:14am PDT
They know they must appear to care…but they have no idea how…so they do things they think someone who cared would do…and it does the trick for most people…like her…but if you look a little closer…like you did….its so fucking obvious that its complete bullshit. James mom tried to look like she gave a shit about my son…she would do things she thought would make it look that way…but she missed the mark every fucking time…and she knew I smelled bullshit and she hated me for being right….so she decided to be a part of her sons self destruction…she was willing to allow him to destroy himself…if that meant it would destroy me.

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 11:14am PDT
I’m not saying that those two people are different. But your situation was.

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 11:14am PDT
You should see james mom status.
The situation is irrelevant.
The motivation is the same.

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 11:15am PDT
Yes – but
And you may hate me for this …
our motivation IS the same.
But you need to think of how you would have acted if your son was 14 years older.
And he chose James and his mother over you.
You could love him as much as you wanted.
You could hate them as much as you wanted.
Nothing you could do would change the situation.
Anything you did would always be motivated out of hate.
Not out of protecting the innocent.
The innocent chose.
You tried.

Monday, September 23, 2013
Of course the motivation is the same.

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 11:17am PDT
There is a difference.
You may not believe me – you may decide we are not motivated the same.
I have three options with him.
You had one.
Actually you had two.
Only one that would not have destroyed you.
Or maimed you and your son.

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 11:17am PDT
You do not understand.

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 11:17am PDT
What don’t I understand?
You’re saying we have communication problems? 🙂

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 11:18am PDT
Your idea of “destroy” and his idea of “destroy” are two very different things.

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 11:19am PDT
To destroy him, I would have to force him to face who he is.

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 11:19am PDT
Yes. That is true.
And you are hell bent on doing it your way.

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 11:19am PDT
I do not have the power to do that.

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 11:19am PDT
Oh, but you absolutely have the power to do that.
That’s what I need you to see. That is why I am here.

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 11:19am PDT
No … I don’t think I do.

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 11:19am PDT
Yes you do.
And so do I.

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 11:19am PDT
I know that.
We are talking about two things.
I made a promise to make him hate the day he met me.
That is different than destroy.

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 11:20am PDT
No.
We we are not talking about two different things.

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 11:20am PDT
How? I don’t mean to make you mad … I don’t buy it.

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 11:20am PDT
I made the same promise as you…kind of.
And guess what?

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 11:20am PDT
I could do it.
I could destroy him.
But it would probably involve destroying a part of me.

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 11:20am PDT
It doesn’t have to

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 11:20am PDT
I am willing to humiliate and make him regret the day he met me by taking his teeth.
He is so shallow that would make him regret that.
Actually in a way he does regret the day he met me.

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 11:21am PDT
It won’t work.
Follow through on that plan?
You will be very disappointed in the outcome.

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 11:21am PDT
I don’t think you have anything that will work.
There is one thing ….
One small thing I could do.
That has a slim chance.

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 11:21am PDT
You don’t think I have anything that will work?
You don’t know me well enough yet.

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 11:22am PDT
Well there is a difference between
“regret the day you met me”
and “ will destroy you.”

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 11:22am PDT
Not really.
In your case it’s the same.

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 11:22am PDT
No … it isn’t.
Destroying someone would include making them regret the day they met you.
My vow was not that deep – my vow was to try to make him back off.
With him … you gotta understand that.
He’s shallow.
Soooo shallow.
Losing his teeth and all of his jobs because of it…
and having me showing up smirking.

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 11:23am PDT
My vow was to have them back the fuck off away from my son.

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 11:23am PDT
Yes.
The DIFFERENCE
is that I was dealing with a relationship with somebody who didn’t share my commitment.

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 11:24am PDT
They are sickening shallow.

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 11:24am PDT
I was fighting two battles including somebody who had free will. I was not fighting for the defenseless.

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 11:24am PDT
No shit.

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 11:25am PDT
She had the power to choose me over him.
In the smallest of ways.
And he made sure he was there …
playing the game so that didn’t happen.
Now that I’m gone – eventually he’ll toss her out.
They’ll go south.
This is how your story changed me.

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 11:26am PDT
And there is nothing you can do to change that.

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 11:26am PDT
No and it’s ok.
I wanted to give her that chance.
She did choose me some…
but I was less safe.

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 11:26am PDT
Doesn’t mean it’s not wrong.

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 11:26am PDT
If you understood everything … like the fact that she said she loved me a year before I would barely dare to say it.

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 11:26am PDT
My friend…
You make the most tragic of assumptions…
Neither one of you have any idea what love really is.

~Why It Exists~

image

September 22, 2013 at 11:07pm PDT
You have to realize that you are getting a side of me
that most don’t see
and when you meet me…

September 22, 2013 at 11:07pm PDT
Ok. THAT helps me understand.

September 22, 2013 at 11:08pm PDT
you will find me quite chill and someone who brings a sense of calmness among chaos.
Shit…if I was like this all the time?
lose my fucking mind. But may I tell you something?

September 22, 2013 at 11:09pm PDT
I am less of a spectrum of colors than you.

September 22, 2013 at 11:09pm PDT
Yes. I want to thank you for allowing me to be this way…for finding me more interesting than you find me crazy. being me means that I keep alot of shit to myself…I mean alot of shit.

September 22, 2013 at 11:12pm PDT
That what you were really gonna say?

September 22, 2013 at 11:12pm PDT
And some call me crazy…and people try and make me make sense with things that I am not…and it’s hard sometimes to be always misunderstood like that, and when I try to explain myself to them….well that is like speaking to them in chinese and they think I am even more crazy.

September 22, 2013 at 11:13pm PDT
I think I’ve called you crazy several times 😉

September 22, 2013 at 11:13pm PDT
You have no idea. For some reason we click and even though you don’t get some things.
or say you don’t understand….

September 22, 2013 at 11:14pm PDT
I with both try to accept you and gently understand you.

September 22, 2013 at 11:14pm PDT
You do it in a way that others do not, will not, have not.
And I will do the same for you

September 22, 2013 at 11:14pm PDT
I just don’t get why we click.

September 22, 2013 at 11:15pm PDT
Who cares why we do?
Does it matter?

September 22, 2013 at 11:15pm PDT
YA. Don’t have a ton of expectation it will go on.

September 22, 2013 at 11:16pm PDT
I don’t even think about that.

September 22, 2013 at 11:16pm PDT
Situations from the past help explain now.
Now will help explain the future.

September 22, 2013 at 11:16pm PDT
Right now who cares?
Wait…Explain my past or yours?

September 22, 2013 at 11:17pm PDT
Both.

September 22, 2013 at 11:17pm PDT
I don’t think about how this will end,
or if it will end
or why…
Because it doesn’t matter to me.

September 22, 2013 at 11:17pm PDT
No it isn’t that.

September 22, 2013 at 11:17pm PDT
What is it?

September 22, 2013 at 11:17pm PDT
It’s why it exists.

September 22, 2013 at 11:18pm PDT
Why’s it here?
It doesn’t quite fit … or fit at all.
What is it I it I don’t understand?

September 22, 2013 at 11:19pm PDT
You are really wondering why we click
why we fit.

September 22, 2013 at 11:20pm PDT
And was trying to figure out who you were.

September 22, 2013 at 11:20pm PDT
So you have to make sure to have the answers.

September 22, 2013 at 11:22pm PDT
Don’t hate me for it.

September 22, 2013 at 11:22pm PDT
I don’t think I could hate you
for anything.

~Amazing~

                            

image

Friday
April 4, 2015
8:45am

You are lucky
to have a close family like that.

Very.
Your family is close too right?
At least your parents and you?

Not at all.

I’m sorry you aren’t close to your family. Their loss.
You’re amazing.

Amazing..lol…well thanks.

Welcome.
Hard to explain.
You’re genuine and direct.
You are unique.
You are tough…
but a softie at the same time.
You’re unapologeticicaly…
not afraid to be you.
You’re intelligent and experienced.
Some people would call that “wise.”
So far I’ve never seen you just give up
or wallow in self doubt
or pity.
All pretty awesome.

Thank you.
I’m not used to those things being validated at all.

No problem.
Hopefully…
it gives you a deeper view
into how I see you.
I use simple words to describe things, but there is a bit underneath the surface.
I’m not the greatest with words.

I knew that when I met you.
You don’t need to be.

Good.

~nj~

~You Are My True Adventure~

We Love Only True Adventure

You are right about how we must never elude, never be vague. That we must always be honest with each other. This means that we understand why it must be this way for both of us. I am not afraid of people walking out of my life, people usually do,. I am also aware afraid of how those that do, may hurt me.

I believe if they do walk away, at whichever time they choose to do so, it is how it was always supposed to be. How it would have always been. It doesn’t mean that their absence won’t hurt me, because it very well may break my heart. But this is a risk I choose to take.

To me, when someone decides their part in my story, and my part in theirs is over…

the how, the when, and the why, are not the questions that matter. It doesn’t mean that I feel the same way or see things the same as they do, or that I will watch them walk away without putting up a fight, but what matters most to me is this…

No matter how I had hoped their part in my story would be, how I hoped it would be, or thought it may be, it is that at any given moment, I believe it is exactly how it was supposed to be. This is how the Universe intended it to be. This is how it should be. I  trust in that.

You are not a just a coincidence to me. No matter what I am or am not to you, I am thankful that I have come to believe there are no such things as coincidences.  I would feel this way if I shared only one day with you,  or if we shared a lifetime. I would be blessed to have shared these moments with you. Moments that will always be among the most meaningful moments of my life.

I am uncertain why I feel this way about you. All I know is that at this moment, this place, this time, no matter whatever this is, or whatever it becomes, it is how it is was always meant to be.

You must know that whatever I am or whatever I become to you, who I will be in your life, what part I will play in your story, how I will influence your journey, is something that only you have the power to decide.

You are the only one who can allow me in, or shut me out. Trust me on this.

Whatever you are or whatever you become to me, who you will be in my life, what part you will play in my story, how you will influence my journey, is something only I have the power to decide.

I am the only one who can allow you in, or shut you out. Trust me on this.

We will never make the choice for the other.

I ask that you not be guided by a fear of if or how you may hurt me. My reactions are beyond your control, and you do not have the power to create or change them. No matter how much you want to, or how much you try to do so. I ask that you not allow fear to determine how you engage with me. I will always be ok, and I know you will too.

I am someone who has learned to feel safe in uncertainty, fear, and chaos. I let go of being tied to outcomes and expectations, let go of being tied to destinations, and I have learned how to navigate my journey without being dependent on a map.

I believe that if my intent is as it should be, if my heart is where it should be, if I remain mindful of the moral code I have created for myself and honor it, if I am aware of my own “truths,” and remain mindful that my “truths” are not the “truths” of others…that wherever I go, wherever I end up, whatever the outcome of my journey may be…I am where I was always meant to be.

I do not believe my fate or destiny is in the hands of anyone else. We can change the direction of our path at any time. We are not walking a path with a predetermined destination. And not knowing where I will end up or when and how I will get there, is perfectly acceptable to me.

I believe that I (and you…) just by being who we are, have the power to mind fuck the Universe somehow …in a butterfly effect kind of way. Maybe we don’t. Maybe we do. You are evidence that the Universe listens, and that the answers are always made known to me, if I only pay attention and trust these answers will come. I needed to be reminded that there are others who are like me, who experience and understand life differently.

I needed reassurance that I am not in danger of living superficially, that I can share a connection with others, and that they can share this same connection with me. There are people who get it…who get me….who can learn to deal with my world of colorful intensity. There are people who will not label me as crazy, as a way to give meaning to what they don’t understand.

I crave a connection with someone on the same emotional wave length as me, and I share this kind of connection with you. I thank you for reassuring me of that. I needed to experience how it feels again.

You make perfect sense to me. I think you are amazing as you are now.

There is no fixing. There is only healing.

And that matters. It matters a lot.

For you, for this moment…

I am very grateful.

I gave a shout out to the Universe.
The Universe listened.

I believe that your story…

your life…

your journey…

will be one amazing adventure to me.

And that my story…

my life…

my journey…will be one amazing adventure to you.

~nj~

~You Are Where My Story Began~

wpid-img_20140720_122217.jpg

My Story is still unfolding.

It is changing me.

It is changing who I am.

It is showing me.

It is showing me who I am.

My Story is still unfolding.

It is teaching me.

It is teaching me who I am.

It is reminding me.

It is reminding me what I am.

My Story is still unfolding.

Without you I will go on.

With you I will always be.

For The Story of Us….

Began The Story of Me.

~nj~

Broken Pieces of Assumption | Truth Seeker

broken_glass

Broken Pieces of Assumption

by Theo (CrypticPoet)

Melted, the waxed mold of me broke in two
as reality forced it off the table of no
problem.

Complacent or granted and taken, I was so
invincible we were or so I tricked myself
into believing.

Poor judgement fused regret to the steel
trap of my spinal column and my face rain
overwhelmed my keyboard as I reeled in
what little honor I had left.  It was not
much.  Forever is an awful long time and
that is the penance I’ve charged myself
with.  I don’t believe there is enough
time, this time to repair and clean up
my already damaged karma.

Our love used to be
and I thought stand up against all odds
if never broken.  That’s the problem
I have broken it with my naive mind &
heart.  And forever, I will die each day
I see read and Feel her.

And I accept
this punishment.  And would accept and
do more but I have yet to be released
of a promise.
However, this self-abasement may be
more lasting and much more painful and
not the pleasurable pain.

I think Spiritual and emotional pain
by far out last all other types.
And so it is with a heavy heart
I visit here each day for my daily dose
of pain.

Until I am released from the Promise
one way or another…

 

Written by Theo (CrypticPoet)___ © All rights reserved
Published  2013
All writing remains the property of the author. Don’t use it for any purpose without their permission.

http://atheodorian.wordpress.com/broken-pieces-of-assumption/

~Call it Coincidence…I Call it Serendipity~

serendipity1

~Coincidence~

[Words from the past]

 So, let me introduce myself.

I’m Aphrodite.

 Do I know you?

Have we ever met before?

 Who can tell?

People change.

 I am sure I know your face.

The tone of your voice is familiar.

 I could say the same.

It is strange.

 Indeed. Do you live close?

Maybe I have seen you around.

 I live in another city.

I came here for a few days.

 Me too.

I am leaving tomorrow.

 I enjoyed our talk.

Even though I still don’t know your name.

 True.

Now you have a reason to meet me again.

 How do you know this will happen?

You seem so sure.

 I see it in your eyes.

You asked for it.

 Someone would say you can read my mind.

If it is so, why do you leave?

 It is not the right time.

Neither for you, nor for me.

 I have to go.

Nice to meet you.

 Take care of yourself.

Till next time.

 Bye…

See you soon.

~Coincidence~

 [Words from the future]

 Do I know you?

 Have we ever met before?

 If not now, when?

 When the right time starts?

 Yesterday, now, tomorrow?

 How long does it last?

 You just know there is a reason.

You exist all over him.

He lives within you.

You both carry your story.

The one that ended there.

The one that lasted years.

Or just minutes.

The one that took a second to find.

Or a life to realize.

The one that will come one day.

When the coincidence decides.

When it is the right time.

AFRODITE JANUS at 12:13 AM

Thursday, January 30, 2014

 http://sensoryanalysis.blogspot.com/2014/01/coincidence.html