~A Side of Me Most Do Not See~

September 22, 2013 at 11:07pm PDT
You have to realize that you are getting a side of me
that most don’t see
and when you meet me…

September 22, 2013 at 11:07pm PDT
Ok. THAT helps me understand.

September 22, 2013 at 11:08pm PDT
you will find me quite chill and someone who brings a sense of calmness among chaos.
Shit…if I was like this all the time?
lose my fucking mind. But may I tell you something?

September 22, 2013 at 11:09pm PDT
I am less of a spectrum of colors than you.

September 22, 2013 at 11:09pm PDT
Yes. I want to thank you for allowing me to be this way…for finding me more interesting than you find me crazy. being me means that I keep alot of shit to myself…I mean alot of shit.

September 22, 2013 at 11:12pm PDT
That what you were really gonna say?

September 22, 2013 at 11:12pm PDT
And some call me crazy…and people try and make me make sense with things that I am not…and it’s hard sometimes to be always misunderstood like that, and when I try to explain myself to them….well that is like speaking to them in chinese and they think I am even more crazy.

September 22, 2013 at 11:13pm PDT
I think I’ve called you crazy several times 😉

September 22, 2013 at 11:13pm PDT
You have no idea. For some reason we click and even though you don’t get some things.
or say you don’t understand….

September 22, 2013 at 11:14pm PDT
I with both try to accept you and gently understand you.

September 22, 2013 at 11:14pm PDT
You do it in a way that others do not, will not, have not.
And I will do the same for you

September 22, 2013 at 11:14pm PDT
I just don’t get why we click.

September 22, 2013 at 11:15pm PDT
Who cares why we do?
Does it matter?

September 22, 2013 at 11:15pm PDT
YA. Don’t have a ton of expectation it will go on.

September 22, 2013 at 11:16pm PDT
I don’t even think about that.

September 22, 2013 at 11:16pm PDT
Situations from the past help explain now.
Now will help explain the future.

September 22, 2013 at 11:16pm PDT
Right now who cares?
Wait…Explain my past or yours?

September 22, 2013 at 11:17pm PDT
Both.

September 22, 2013 at 11:17pm PDT
I don’t think about how this will end,
or if it will end
or why…
Because it doesn’t matter to me.

September 22, 2013 at 11:17pm PDT
No it isn’t that.

September 22, 2013 at 11:17pm PDT
What is it?

September 22, 2013 at 11:17pm PDT
It’s why it exists.

September 22, 2013 at 11:18pm PDT
Why’s it here?
It doesn’t quite fit … or fit at all.
What is it I it I don’t understand?

September 22, 2013 at 11:19pm PDT
You are really wondering why we click
why we fit.

September 22, 2013 at 11:20pm PDT
And was trying to figure out who you were.

September 22, 2013 at 11:20pm PDT
So you have to make sure to have the answers.

September 22, 2013 at 11:22pm PDT
Don’t hate me for it.

September 22, 2013 at 11:22pm PDT
I don’t think I could hate you
for anything.

~Fighting Fire with Fire You will Get Burned~

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 10:55am PDT
And why do you choose to have this with you…

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 10:56am PDT
Have what with me?

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 10:56am PDT
You get so angry…
.and I get that its fucking fucked up and should make you that way…but
You are allowing what you cannot control to control you

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 10:58am PDT
I think it’s because I’m coming off a god complex.
I both have my reality of the way things are.
And how little I can do to change them.
And a deep seated desire …
and burning to do so.
It’s a frustration with myself. And the world. I am slowly learning to accept.

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 10:59am PDT
My opinion…

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 11:00am PDT
It’s the same with alot of things.
Either a frustration or a sadness.

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 11:00am PDT
Thing is…
Fighting anger with anger makes everything you hate…worse.
Fire needs fuel.
And letting go of the anger…
is what gives you the freedom and power to get even.
The motivation is the same.

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 11:15am PDT
Yes – but
And you may hate me for this …
Our motivation IS the same.

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 11:00am PDT
That is what I just said.
Why would I hate our motivation being the same?
I would argue…
it is impossible for our motivation…
to be any other way.

~Happy Thanksgiving~

For your
strength
For you
courage
For your
dignity and grace
I am thankful.

For your
simplicity
For your
humility
For your
compassion and your faith
I am thankful.

For your
struggles
For your
torments
For your
tears and heart that aches
I am thankful.

For your
bravery
For your
kindness
For your
wonder and your truth
I am thankful.

For your
light
For your
darkness
For your
joy and for your pain
I am thankful.

For your honesty
For your goodness
For your mind
For your heart
For your soul
I am thankful

For your trials
For your failures
For your triumphs
I am thankful

For your wisdom
For your knowledge
For your greatness
For your meekness
I am thankful

For your thoughts
For your words
For your intentions
For your passion
I am thankful.

For your history
For your moments
For today and for tomorrow
I am thankful

For your
friendship
For your
gentleness
For your anger and your hate
I am thankful

For your
simplicity
For your
purity
For your
belief in me
I am thankful

For everything you are to me
For everything you have given to me
For everything you mean to me
I am thankful.

For all of you
For good
For bad
For right
For wrong
For now
For then
Forever…
For you…
I am thankful.

I will give thanks today for those who have blessed my life. I am so thankful for you ns. And while I know you find my thanks suspicious, or uncomfortable, or meaning something other than what it is, nothing changes. It is what it is. I do not seek anything in return. I do not. Your presence in my life, and in the lives of so many others, is reason to give thanks. You have taught me so many things about what it means to be a beautiful human being. You remind me of what is important in my life. You inspire me with how you choose to live yours. To God, to the Universe, to whoever or whatever allowed my path to collide with yours, I am so very thankful. You have given me more, inspired me more, challenged me more, comforted me more, than you will ever know.

Happy Thanksgiving.

~nj~

~COLOR MEETS GREY SCALE~

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 10:27am PDT
But whatever. I like to divide colors and classify

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 10:28am PDT
You realize that how you think I see you is how you see yourself

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 10:28am PDT
To an extent
it’s either that
Or how you fear being seen

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 10:28am PDT
or that what you say hits me differently than how you mean it.

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 10:28am PDT
And you are none of those things

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 10:28am PDT
that we have communication problems.
Hmmmm … You are right. I am afraid of being seen as a coward.
But I HAVE been seen as that … for the last two and a half years.

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 10:29am PDT
We communicate magically

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 10:29am PDT
So I must face that I let myself do that.

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 10:29am PDT
And stop thinking I see you that way

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 10:29am PDT
Not completely seen that way…
probably not seen that way by others but I see that about me. I need to accept it decide what needs to change and move on.

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 10:29am PDT
We speak 2 different languages and we find a way to understand

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 10:29am PDT
lol yes
I have tinted my rainbow with colors
yours has been tinted w grayscale.

~You Capture My Attention Completely~

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 8:00am PDT
I think the one thing about you the is a bit scary to me….
is that I want to have too much of your time…
and I am not like that…what the fuck

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 8:00am PDT
It is not exhausting.

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 8:01am PDT
You capture my attention completely..
and that is nearly impossible to do

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 8:01am PDT
It does not have all the boringness…
Of a normal conversation. Like constant waves of color.
But whatever. I like to divide colors and classify

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 8:02am PDT
I find you fascinating…
and the strange thing to me is that
nothing you tell me changes anything…
just helps me with the why

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 8:02am PDT
Lol I have no clue why you find me interesting
Feels like we’ve met.
Knew each other all along.
This happens to me sometimes though not to this degree. Seldom.
Like 3 times and I pay attention more now

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 8:04am PDT
You have been the same to me u the beginning…
the rest are just the details.
But you stay the same
Wierd.

~Thank You~

If it wasn’t for you…I would never believe a 50 year old witch wanted to jump my bones…
Or that a gay asshole envied me.

And I would have a much shallower belief  about the undercurrents of human decision making…

And who knows…I might even have a felony on my record.

So thank you for the non-tangible gifts you have given me that are much more valuable than anything that is measured by currency.

You have truly added to my depth.

And helped explain…
Probably the single most annoying thing I beat my head against…

I just opened the box you sent!!!
I looove all the printed quotes…by far my favorite part of it all.
It was insanely thoughtful…I have NO idea how much time you spent putting it all together.
But it was by far one of the most thoughtful gifts…
Probably the most thoughtful gift I’ve ever received.
I’m interested in the stories behind some of it…Most I get.
And I had to set the packing aside to make sure I missed nothing.

Honestly, the most valuable thing you have given me (and this may seem trivial to you)
Even when it is hard for me to accept…
Is that people act often not out of what they know, Or what they want to do,
But who they are. Which is a culmination of many things not even on a conscious level. It makes so much more sense out of a life where I am constantly annoyed and frustrated with others.

But at the same time…
Now I see it in myself.
This knowledge is power to do good.
Avoid costly mistakes.
It is a much greater gift…
Than you will ever know.

~Leverage~

Sat, Jun 15, 2013, 10:46 PM
Its me this is my cell

Sat, Jun 15, 2013, 10:51 PM
I would like to talk sometime…or listen and see my son and you. if not I understand. please let me know.therese alot I have to say if you will listen.thanks

Sat, Jun 15, 2013, 11:26 PM
Also im clean,for real clean no subs or methadone.please please txt me back.i know I have done terrible things but im here now and I need you and my son

Sat, Jun 15, 2013, 11:27 PM
to atleast hear me out,i wont bother you or be a pest but please let me know.i love you both very much

Sat, Jun 15, 2013, 11:50 PM
Your life, and the quality of it, are of no concern to me. I have nothing to say to you, and am not interested in anything you have to say to me. I have recreated through your call logs, emails, and texts, your life since last summer. I have spoken to several of the women you fucked or tried to fuck. I know about the digital camera. I know about your online identity and all the sexsites you visited. I know how you spent your son’s bday and Valentines day. I know everything, and you are a monster, and so is your mother. Look up Narcissistic Mother on Google. The thought of you makes me physically ill. Every photo of you is gone, thrown out with the trash. We are better off, and much happier without you, without you and your fucked up narcissistic worthless piece of shit mother. I don’t give a shit if you are clean. You want to fight me in court? You want to have the law state what pieces of shit you and your family are? Go ahead. I want nothing from you. I need nothing from you. You are dead to me. If you love your son, which I highly doubt you ever did, STAY THE FUCK AWAY FROM US. YOU ARE A WORTHLESS PIECE OF SHIT, AND I NEVER WANT TO SEE YOUR NASTY FACE AGAIN OR HEAR YOUR PATHETIC APOLOGIES. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOUR FAMILY. STAY THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME. YOU CAN MAKE YOUR CASE IN COURT YOU WORTHLESS PIECE OF SHIT.

~The Side Most People Don’t See~

September 22, 2013 at 11:07pm PDT
You have to realize that you are getting a side of me
that most don’t see
and when you meet me…

September 22, 2013 at 11:07pm PDT
Ok. THAT helps me understand.

September 22, 2013 at 11:08pm PDT
you will find me quite chill and someone who brings a sense of calmness among chaos.
Shit…if I was like this all the time?
lose my fucking mind. But may I tell you something?

September 22, 2013 at 11:09pm PDT
I am less of a spectrum of colors than you.

September 22, 2013 at 11:09pm PDT
Yes. I want to thank you for allowing me to be this way…for finding me more interesting than you find me crazy. being me means that I keep alot of shit to myself…I mean alot of shit.

September 22, 2013 at 11:12pm PDT
That what you were really gonna say?

September 22, 2013 at 11:12pm PDT
And some call me crazy…and people try and make me make sense with things that I am not…and it’s hard sometimes to be always misunderstood like that, and when I try to explain myself to them….well that is like speaking to them in chinese and they think I am even more crazy.

September 22, 2013 at 11:13pm PDT
I think I’ve called you crazy several times 😉

September 22, 2013 at 11:13pm PDT
You have no idea. For some reason we click and even though you don’t get some things.
or say you don’t understand….

September 22, 2013 at 11:14pm PDT
I with both try to accept you and gently understand you.

September 22, 2013 at 11:14pm PDT
You do it in a way that others do not, will not, have not.
And I will do the same for you

September 22, 2013 at 11:14pm PDT
I just don’t get why we click.

September 22, 2013 at 11:15pm PDT
Who cares why we do?
Does it matter?

September 22, 2013 at 11:15pm PDT
YA. Don’t have a ton of expectation it will go on.

September 22, 2013 at 11:16pm PDT
I don’t even think about that.

September 22, 2013 at 11:16pm PDT
Situations from the past help explain now.
Now will help explain the future.

September 22, 2013 at 11:16pm PDT
Right now who cares?
Wait…Explain my past or yours?

September 22, 2013 at 11:17pm PDT
Both.

September 22, 2013 at 11:17pm PDT
I don’t think about how this will end,
or if it will end
or why…
Because it doesn’t matter to me.

September 22, 2013 at 11:17pm PDT
No it isn’t that.

September 22, 2013 at 11:17pm PDT
What is it?

September 22, 2013 at 11:17pm PDT
It’s why it exists.

September 22, 2013 at 11:18pm PDT
Why’s it here?
It doesn’t quite fit … or fit at all.
What is it I it I don’t understand?

September 22, 2013 at 11:19pm PDT
You are really wondering why we click
why we fit.

September 22, 2013 at 11:20pm PDT
And was trying to figure out who you were.

September 22, 2013 at 11:20pm PDT
So you have to make sure to have the answers.

September 22, 2013 at 11:22pm PDT
Don’t hate me for it.

September 22, 2013 at 11:22pm PDT
I don’t think I could hate you
for anything.

~The Rules of Goodbye~

Sun Dec. 29th 3am

For this to happen, we must both abide by these rules. Trust me…it can’t be done any other way. I pray the website is done. You may want to pray too.We cannot email each other. We cannot call each other.We cannot text each other.We cannot message each other.Unless…either one of us is willing to take whatever is one the other end. Do not check up on me. Do not ask how I am. Do not ask how my day was. Do not send me quotes. I will do the same for you.I am leaving open the option of letters. I am not planning on writing any at the moment, but may. They are usually more well thought out.Do not write me a goodbye.Do not write me to reminisce.Do not write me to announce a lover.Do not write me to lessen my pain.Do not write me to say whay I taught you. Do not thank me.Do not write anything at all unless you are willing to take what’s on the other end.I will do the same for you.Do not define me as your friend.Do not define any relationship.Do not define me at all.I will do the same for you.Do not come because you need me.Do not return because you are lonely.Do not walk back into my life…Unless you are willing to take whatever is on the other end.Unless you really, really, really, need me, and understand the cost of what needing me means.I will do the same for you.Do not ask for my gift.Do not ask for my mind.Do not ask for me to release you.Do not ask for my forgiveness.Do not ask me to accept who I am to you.Do not ask me to accept who I am not to you.Do not ask me to accept anything at all.I will do the same for you.Do not warn me.Do not preach to me.Do not condemn me.Do not praise me.Do not hate me.Do not judge me.Do not blame me.I will do the same for you.Do not seek ways to gain power over me.Do not seek to discredit me.Do not seek comfort from me.Do not seek friendship from me.Do not seek your connection to me.Do not seek to hurt me.Do not seek to protect me.I will do the same for you.Do not lie to me.Do not hide from me.Do not disrespect me.Do not feel sorry for me.Do not feel proud of me.I will do the same for you.Do not use me.Do not think for me.Do not speak for me.Do not feel for me.Do not act for me.Do not choose for me.Do not fight for me.I will do the same for you.Learn to live without me.Learn to be without me.Learn to think without me.Learn to choose without me.Learn to give without me.Learn to understand without me.Learn to love yourself without me.I will do the same for you.If life without me becomes more of a burden than life with me…If love without me becomes more of a burden than love with me…If pain without me becomes more of a burden than pain with me…If joy without me becomes more of a burden than joy with me…If your journey without me becomes more of a burden than your journey with me…Be brave and show me.I will do the same for you.I have never lost like this before.I have never let go like this before. I have never trusted like this before.I have never given like this before. I have never taken like this before.I have never loved like this before.I have never longed like this before.I have never believed like this before.I have never hurt like this before.I have never known What I now knowI have never seenAs I now seeI have never feltHow I now feelAnd I am afraid.You are worthy of my fear.Be brave and show me.I have no idea what I am doing here. I do not know what this will feel like to me. I do not know what this will be…or when it will be what it is to be, or if it is to be. I do not know what it is, what it was, or what it could be. I do not know a timeline. I do not know a way. I do not know a how. I do not know anything at all.Other than I want you to become who you want to be.Make this freedom a gift.Learn from it.Grow from it.Become who you are from it.With me..Or without me..Be free.I want for you what you want for yourself.I thank you for this gift of connection.In many ways it has healed me.You have given me far more than you will ever know.You are the most amazing man I have ever known.May you come to believe that of yourself someday.Who knows when and where our adventure will end. I can think of no one I would rather have adventures with than you.Always remember…I see who you are…and you are beautiful to me.It is so hard to have to let that go. Fuck!I hope its not forever.Life isn’t the same without you.I am blessed you shared your life with mine.I love you.Be free.Be happy ns. Do good things. Be a warrior. If I can help you, if you need me, be mindful of what you are asking. For if you ask, I will trust that you understand what asking me means. I would do anything for you.I will ask of you in the same way.I don’t want this email to be over…I will try my best.Get my life back. You do the same.Be brave.~nj~
Sun Dec. 29th 120pm
I still need to process this.  The two things I know.  Are that no matter how dark your path gets.  I have seen you for who you are.  And you are the only one who bears the power of self destruction.  Live … live for your son.  Live for those who need you … who will need you.  Live for the day when the times of struggle will make the pleasures deeper.The rock I gave you was not a gift from me.  It represents what I felt had been given to me by the creation.  Indirectly the creator.  Never think of it as a gift from me.  But a gift from the mountains.   The creation.My emotions are not normal.  But know that if I can ever do more harm than good.  If you ever feel that.  I am here.

~Unconditional Love~

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 5:12am PDT

You need to know something…
I do not want to fix you…
or save you….
or change you.
I am not here because I think you need me.
If you chose to walk away at this moment…
I would know in my heart that you are OK…
that you would be OK..
and that I would be OK too…
and you need to understand that.
I can never be an obligation.
You cannot be a part of my life because…
you are afraid of how it may hurt me…
If you were to walk away.
You must stay because you want to…
You choose to….
The same reason you should have to walk away.
I have no idea what this is or what it may become…
that doesn’t matter to me.
It is what it is….
and I am blessed to have it that way.
I dare you…
to love me…
to hate me…
to understand me…
to learn from me…
to touch me…
to leave me…
to hurt me…
and see what happens….
or don’t.
But understand that I CHOOSE…
when to give you the power to hurt me….
and with this choice…
comes the understanding that you will…
and that’s OK.
I just want you to be you.
I am safe…
And unsafe…
in ways that others are not.
And no matter what happens…
I will always be a safe place…
Of unconditional love and admiration…
For You.

~nj~