~Sidelined~

Sidelined
So you may shine
Brightly
Lightly
Stepping in
The spot light
Awakening
From the dark night
Or so you think
As you drink
From the flask
Behind the mask
Of ego
I am incognito
Watching you
Through and through
As you climb
This paradigm
Of powerless power
In a towerless tower
Hour by hour
The higher you go
Hour by hour
The lesser you know
And yet I allow
This now
Somehow
For when towers crumble
And egos humble
And you are falling
I’ll hear you calling
Catch me
Hold me
Love me
Please?
And I’ll reply
To clarify
Until there is no tower
You will have no power
And that is why
I feed your lie
Everytime you cower
Upon destruction of your tower.
One day
May you say
You are my power
And in that hour
May you see
You are me
We are we
And that is all
BeIsBe.

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~The Fork in Your Road~

I see the man
Aware of me
Aware of
The dichotomy
Of this way
And that way
On one hand
Listening to
What they say
Quietly
Stoically
“This is how its supposed to be”
Says he
Convincingly
Some days
Unconvincingly
Other days
Wondering
Blundering
Covering
Up
The fire
Of desire
To walk
Another way.

On the other hand
Theres no listening to
What they say
Loudly
Proudly
Out loudly
Speaking
“I honor a different way”
Says he
Convincingly
Some days
Unconvincingly
Other days
Driven
Ambition
Admission
Of
The fire
May dim
Within him
If what he knows
Becomes not
What he chose
Silently opposed
He will stay.
Quietly grey
He will say
“I was brave enough to know the other way.”

~Almost~

I nearly missed
The leaves this year
Thier colors falling
Thier cycles calling
For me
To pay attention
To my apprehension
Of seasons
Revealing
The bittersweet
healing
That comes
With the frost
When all seems lost
The suffering cost
Reveals to me
The sacred reminder
Of this valiant fighter
Who walks amongst
The light
“Do not forsake
Even when
you break
Wide Open and
Frozen in awe
You withdraw”
I shake my head
For I am aware
Of this thred weaving
The deep believing
Of lesson once learned
Until feeling the burn
Of inattention
Then intervention
Felt painfully raw
In the winter withdraw
Now clearly i see
You will forever be
Blinded by darkness
Not worth the fight
For defeat is unknown
To a warrior of the light

~nj

~Black Coffee~

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 10:35am PDT
you drink black coffee?

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 10:36am PDT
That’s what the world looks like when you can’t see the color..I love it

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 10:36am PDT
Yes … but you also understand

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 10:36am PDT
No matter how terrible the truth is – you refuse to settle for less

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 10:36am PDT
just because you need it.

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 10:37am PDT
There are colors … usually the colors I love most people kinda find terrifying or tragic.

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 10:37am PDT
Yes.
Completely.
Why is your truth so terrible?

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 10:37am PDT
It is not terrible.
Actually it is.
People around suffering every day.
Living in the hells they build.
Or they are so shallow they are almost not human

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 10:39am PDT
And you choose that to be your truth?

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 10:39am PDT
That poem was written a long time ago..
Like years and it had to do with people who were fakes…
and shallow … who chose to be shallow because they were afraid.

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 10:39am PDT
My truth could be terrible too.

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 10:39am
It is not my truth.
It is part … a part
of the truth.

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 10:40am PDT
Kind of.
I see those same people
And they look differently to me.

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 10:40am PDT
How so?

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 10:42am PDT
My complete life fuck  from james taught me something.
First of all…I realized that some people do not have the ability to be any other way.
They lack the courage…
To have the insight and self awareness…
To find out who they are and love whoever they find.
Many never learned.
Or the damage was so severe something was taken away…
James does not comprehend how horrific he was to me and my son. And he is so damaged that he must create a false self…be fake..because he hates himself so much…its the only way he can face the world.

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 10:47am PDT
Yes. People do the damage to themselves.

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 10:48am PDT
That’s narcissism.
And who do narcissists, people like james hate most?

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 10:48am PDT
Same people he hates.
People who love who they are.
Understand and love. Because …. they can never have that.
Because they hate themselves and keep trying to ice it over. Those people bother me less. Because they’ve given into it. They decided to be cowards. Over and over again.
They destroy, and I mean DESTROY others.
Like you … like her – the exploit weakness
Molest their kids.
Leave their children. Self destruct.

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 10:51am PDT
He is a narcissist.

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 10:51
Leave wakes of pain in their paths that are so vast…
So vast that…they destroy the innocent.

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 10:51am PDT
And you are totally right.
They use sex to dominate and control and destroy
the innocent.
They are so fucked up…its the only way they can feel powerful.

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 10:51am PDT
Some don’t decide.

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 10:51am PDT
They screw people for life.
And it goes on and on and on.

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 10:51am PDT
Yes

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 10:53am PDT
Which is  status update is “Sometimes you have to put the feelings for yourself aside for others…”

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 10:53am PDT
Know why he wrote that?

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 10:54am PDT
It’s something shallow I promise you.
He lacks the capacity to sacrifice for others.
And in his utter selfishness there is utter destruction.

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 10:54am PDT
It’s not an identity crisis.
He doesn’t care.
And I promise you this…
And why do you choose to have this with you…

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 10:56am PDT
Have what with me?

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 10:56am PDT
You get so angry….and I get that it’s fucking fucked up and should make you that way…but
You are allowing what you cannot control to control you.

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 10:58am PDT
I think it’s because I’m coming off a god complex. I both have my reality of the way things are. And how little I can do to change them. And a deep seated desire … and burning to do so. It’s a frustration with myself. And the world. I am slowly learning to accept.

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 10:59am PDT
My opinion…

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 11:00am PDT
It’s the same with D.
Either a frustration or a sadness.

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 11:00am PDT
Thing is…
Fighting anger with anger makes everything you hate…worse.
Fire needs fuel.
And letting go of the anger
Gives you the power to get even.
And not in a pay back personal revenge way
James and his mother were my him.
And destroying their became my obsession
It had to be that way…because if I did not find a way to destroy them…it would have destroyed me
And the one thing that narcissists fear….and why what I did will make them fear me more than anyone else?
Being exposed to the world for the nasty ass worthless fuckers they are…and they know they are…and they create a false self to make sure no one will ever know
His status?

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 11:13am PDT
Yes.
Your situation was different.

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 11:14am PDT
They know they must appear to care…but they have no idea how…so they do things they think someone who cared would do…and it does the trick for most people…like her…but if you look a little closer…like you did….its so fucking obvious that its complete bullshit. James mom tried to look like she gave a shit about my son…she would do things she thought would make it look that way…but she missed the mark every fucking time…and she knew I smelled bullshit and she hated me for being right….so she decided to be a part of her sons self destruction…she was willing to allow him to destroy himself…if that meant it would destroy me.

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 11:14am PDT
I’m not saying that those two people are different. But your situation was.

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 11:14am PDT
You should see james mom status.
The situation is irrelevant.
The motivation is the same.

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 11:15am PDT
Yes – but
And you may hate me for this …
our motivation IS the same.
But you need to think of how you would have acted if your son was 14 years older.
And he chose James and his mother over you.
You could love him as much as you wanted.
You could hate them as much as you wanted.
Nothing you could do would change the situation.
Anything you did would always be motivated out of hate.
Not out of protecting the innocent.
The innocent chose.
You tried.

Monday, September 23, 2013
Of course the motivation is the same.

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 11:17am PDT
There is a difference.
You may not believe me – you may decide we are not motivated the same.
I have three options with him.
You had one.
Actually you had two.
Only one that would not have destroyed you.
Or maimed you and your son.

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 11:17am PDT
You do not understand.

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 11:17am PDT
What don’t I understand?
You’re saying we have communication problems? 🙂

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 11:18am PDT
Your idea of “destroy” and his idea of “destroy” are two very different things.

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 11:19am PDT
To destroy him, I would have to force him to face who he is.

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 11:19am PDT
Yes. That is true.
And you are hell bent on doing it your way.

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 11:19am PDT
I do not have the power to do that.

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 11:19am PDT
Oh, but you absolutely have the power to do that.
That’s what I need you to see. That is why I am here.

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 11:19am PDT
No … I don’t think I do.

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 11:19am PDT
Yes you do.
And so do I.

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 11:19am PDT
I know that.
We are talking about two things.
I made a promise to make him hate the day he met me.
That is different than destroy.

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 11:20am PDT
No.
We we are not talking about two different things.

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 11:20am PDT
How? I don’t mean to make you mad … I don’t buy it.

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 11:20am PDT
I made the same promise as you…kind of.
And guess what?

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 11:20am PDT
I could do it.
I could destroy him.
But it would probably involve destroying a part of me.

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 11:20am PDT
It doesn’t have to

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 11:20am PDT
I am willing to humiliate and make him regret the day he met me by taking his teeth.
He is so shallow that would make him regret that.
Actually in a way he does regret the day he met me.

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 11:21am PDT
It won’t work.
Follow through on that plan?
You will be very disappointed in the outcome.

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 11:21am PDT
I don’t think you have anything that will work.
There is one thing ….
One small thing I could do.
That has a slim chance.

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 11:21am PDT
You don’t think I have anything that will work?
You don’t know me well enough yet.

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 11:22am PDT
Well there is a difference between
“regret the day you met me”
and “ will destroy you.”

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 11:22am PDT
Not really.
In your case it’s the same.

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 11:22am PDT
No … it isn’t.
Destroying someone would include making them regret the day they met you.
My vow was not that deep – my vow was to try to make him back off.
With him … you gotta understand that.
He’s shallow.
Soooo shallow.
Losing his teeth and all of his jobs because of it…
and having me showing up smirking.

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 11:23am PDT
My vow was to have them back the fuck off away from my son.

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 11:23am PDT
Yes.
The DIFFERENCE
is that I was dealing with a relationship with somebody who didn’t share my commitment.

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 11:24am PDT
They are sickening shallow.

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 11:24am PDT
I was fighting two battles including somebody who had free will. I was not fighting for the defenseless.

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 11:24am PDT
No shit.

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 11:25am PDT
She had the power to choose me over him.
In the smallest of ways.
And he made sure he was there …
playing the game so that didn’t happen.
Now that I’m gone – eventually he’ll toss her out.
They’ll go south.
This is how your story changed me.

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 11:26am PDT
And there is nothing you can do to change that.

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 11:26am PDT
No and it’s ok.
I wanted to give her that chance.
She did choose me some…
but I was less safe.

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 11:26am PDT
Doesn’t mean it’s not wrong.

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 11:26am PDT
If you understood everything … like the fact that she said she loved me a year before I would barely dare to say it.

Monday, September 23, 2013 at 11:26am PDT
My friend…
You make the most tragic of assumptions…
Neither one of you have any idea what love really is.

~Amazing~

                            

image

Friday
April 4, 2015
8:45am

You are lucky
to have a close family like that.

Very.
Your family is close too right?
At least your parents and you?

Not at all.

I’m sorry you aren’t close to your family. Their loss.
You’re amazing.

Amazing..lol…well thanks.

Welcome.
Hard to explain.
You’re genuine and direct.
You are unique.
You are tough…
but a softie at the same time.
You’re unapologeticicaly…
not afraid to be you.
You’re intelligent and experienced.
Some people would call that “wise.”
So far I’ve never seen you just give up
or wallow in self doubt
or pity.
All pretty awesome.

Thank you.
I’m not used to those things being validated at all.

No problem.
Hopefully…
it gives you a deeper view
into how I see you.
I use simple words to describe things, but there is a bit underneath the surface.
I’m not the greatest with words.

I knew that when I met you.
You don’t need to be.

Good.

~nj~

~ADD Annoyances~

image

DVD previews and main menus. Hate those annoying little fuckers.

There are days when a slow data or wifi connection are just cause for my mental meltdown.

If it doesn’t show up on GPS, don’t bother with giving me directions to the place.

Yes you explained it. Now let me have you explain it again to me, by asking you a series questions.

Lost debit card same day replacement at my bank. Thank you for that.

WHAT IS MY PASSWORD???? THIS WOULD NOT HAVE HAPPENED IF I WAS ALLOWED TO USE THE PASSWORD I WANTED!!

If I ask a lot questions while watching a movie with you, your answer should never be “telling you would ruin the surprise.” Well not answering me would ruin the movie.